Advice Column Where I Give Myself Advice

I’ve decided to start an advice column, but as I do not have any letters from people asking advice, I am going to write letters to myself and answer with the advice I think I need.

Dear Car,
Have I told you how awesome I think you are? Well, I’ve had a bit of a rough day. The other day, I managed to get drunk enough to dress in a neighbor’s shower curtain and run around town claiming to be Scrubitus, the Greek god of bathing.

As Scrubitus, I pelted random people with bars of soap, while screaming at them to bow down to my awesome might and spring fresh scent. When they refused to comply, I attacked them with a loofah on a stick.

Needless to say, quite a few people were not pleased with my antics and I have yet another court date to prepare for. Is this a sign I should cut back on the booze and stay away from shower curtains?


Dear Car,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. And to answer your question:

Absolutely not! If anything, you need to drink more! The world needs you and your antics, whether they realize it or not. And did you know that the more people seem displeased at something, the more they love it? People tend to have a hard time accepting nice things and so try and act like they don’t want them. And a pseudo Greek god sporting soap is one of the nicest things anyone can get.

So, gather all the shower curtains you can find and load up on beer, whiskey, and homemade fermented candy corn wine. The world needs Scrubitus! The world needs you!



I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at an advice column and I hope I will take my advice.

Saint Patrick’s Day recipe for getting drunk and dry humping statues

My Saint Patrick’s Day recipe:

  1. Buy a six-pack of Guinness.
  2. Take home.
  3. Drink.
  4. Dress all in green.
  5. Stagger to the local bar.
  6. Order a dozen pints of Guinness.
  7. Drink them all yourself.
  8. Scream “Kiss me, I’m Irish!”
  9. Dance on the table and toss paper shamrocks at people’s heads.
  10. Get kicked out.
  11. Head to another bar.
  12. Buy another dozen pints of Guinness.
  13. Pretend to offer them to people, but drink them all yourself.
  14. Run out into the street and strip down to your green undies.
  15. Dry hump a statue.
  16. Wrap your arms around a mailbox and shout, “I’m a leprechaun and this is my pot of gold!”
  17. Run and hide from the police.
  18. Pass out while hiding in the crawl space under a stranger’s house.
  19. Wake up and sneak back home.
  20. Call in sick to work.
  21. Sleep off hangover.

With this recipe, you will have the best St. Patrick’s day ever. Unless you end up arrested or dying from alcohol poisoning. If you end up arrested or dead, please contact me so I can get accurate statistics of the risk rates of my recipe and can warn people accordingly. Contacting me while dead might be a bit of a problem, so I’ll have a Ouija board standing by.


Interview with a Beer Bottle

I’ve decided to do another inanimate object interview. This time, I will interview a beer bottle and video tape it to make sure I get the transcript as accurate as possible.


Interview with a Beer Bottle

Car: So, what can I call you?

Beer Bottle: Party!!!!!

Car: You want me to call you Party?

Beer Bottle: No! Party!!!!! Party!!!!! Party!!!!!

Car: We can party later. Right now we’re having an interview.

Beer Bottle: Awwww. Okay. What do you want to know?

Car: Well, first what would you like to be called?

Beer Bottle: Awesome Sauce Supreme!

Car: Okay, Mr. Supreme. What’s it like being a beer bottle?

Beer Bottle: It’s epic! I get to turn men into gods and party! Party!!!! Can we party now?

Car: Not yet, Mr Supreme. Do beer bottles have genders?

Beer Bottles: Is there a girl beer bottle around? Mine!

Car: No, there isn’t, but I’ll let you know if one shows up. What do you think the main purpose of being a beer bottle is?

Beer Bottle: To party!!!! I’m filled with liquid cool! Drink me! Drink me! Drink me!

Car: Well, okay. I am a little parched. -At this time I grabbed Mr. Supreme and downed his contents pretty quickly. I was still thirsty, so I grabbed a couple of his friends out of the fridge and started to drink them as I continued the interview.-

Beer Bottle: I feel… empty. What’s the point of my life anyway?

Car: -After waiting to finish another beer.- I… don’t know. Maybe you’re an alien trapped in bottle form.

Beer Bottle: That’s absurd. I’m just a mass of shaped glass, a former container for an inebriating liquid.

Car: Huh? Is it getting hot in here? I need another beer.

Beer Bottle: It is quite chilly, Car. Please be careful. Too much of us can cause a lack of judgement.

Car -After finishing a third beer- Too much awesome, you mean! Beer rocks! Let’s go get chicks!

Beer Bottle: I have no legs, Car. I cannot go get chicks. Besides, you’re engaged.

Car: Oh yeah. Then let’s party!

Beer Bottle: You’ll need some of my full friends for that, I’m afraid. My partying days are over.

Car: Awwwwwww. -At this point, I grabbed three more beers out of the fridge and started drinking.- I have a ques…tion. Do you… ever… drink… yourself?

Beer Bottle: That’s impossible, but I seem to absorb the essence of my liquid center as long as it’s withen me.

Car: Aweshum! Let’s party!

Beer Bottle: I already told you Car, my partying days are over.

Car: Party!!!!!

After that, I blacked out and found myself face down in a pile of cardboard boxes. After reviewing the video, I found that I had raided the garage of Halloween decorations, called myself the Pumpkin King and dressed in a fairy princess costume Candy had left in one of the boxes. After cleaning up, I but Mr. Supreme and his empty friends into the garbage and took two aspirin, which gave me an idea for my next interview.