Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Oysters in the Oven

Here’s another review for a movie that doesn’t exist.

Oysters in the Oven

Genre – Drama/Educational Cooking Program


Darla – Carmen Electra

Susan – Tilda Swinton

Dave – Tom Hanks

Oysters in the oven is a strange mix of family drama and non fiction instructions on how to make baked oysters. The film follows the lives of Susan and Dave Winston, and Susan’s younger sister, Darla. After Susan and Darla’s parents die in a shucking accidents, the sisters have to put aside family grudges and attempt to save the family baked oyster restaurant. Darla stopped speaking with the family years before after revealing that she preferred her oysters raw and she and her sister spend the movie accepting each other and trying to figure out how to prepare their parent’s famous baked oyster pizza.

The movie would have been a fun little bit of family strife, but the non fiction cooking instructions kept interrupting the narrative. They didn’t just have the baked oyster recipes weaved into the plot. The actors actually stopped in their tracks and started talking as if they were in a cooking show, showing step by step guides to make a recipe, then went back to their original places and continued with the story as if nothing had happened.

I counted ten cooking interruptions, the longest being thirty minutes. It made the movie over five hours long and since I was watching in the theater, I couldn’t just fast forward through the cooking parts. But the recipes were fun and I did learn a lot about baking oysters, so it wasn’t all that bad. I just wish they would have had more interesting recipes. Why just bake oysters when you can cook them in bubble gum flavored syrup and melted cheddar cheese?

Well, since this movie doesn’t exist, you’re going to have to watch a family drama, while pausing it periodically and putting on a cooking show. It won’t be quite the same, but you’ll still learn a lot about baking.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Music for Muriel

I’ve decided that my blog needs reviews, since so many people like hearing about the media opinions of others. But I get bored really easily talking about real movies, so I thought I’d do this in the flavor of my interviews with inanimate objects. So, here’s my first ever review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Music for Muriel




Muriel: Paris Hilton

Abner:Hugh Laurie

Greg: Adam Sandler

Music for Muriel is a dramatic family drama with a sci-fi twist. Muriel, played exceptionally well by Paris Hilton, is a bored housewife who spends her time daydreaming about swans, while her husband Abner, a British used car salesman, ignores her in favor of his prized velvet Elvis collection.

Muriel meets her new neighbor Greg, a hard partying alien sociologist undercover as a nightclub owner, who came to Earth to study the mating habits of drunken frat boys. A friendship develops, innocent at first, but it quickly heats up when Muriel discovers Greg’s true identity and informs him of her fetish for foreign men. The line, “I thought Abner was foreign enough for me, but then I met you,” pretty much sums up their relationship.

The movie is touching, yet at the same time has an explosion of action and special effects. It’s like The Bridges of Madison County meets 2001: A Space Odyssey. Muriel and Greg stumble onto a giant obelisk in the dessert from an alien race advertising their soon to come to Earth floating mega-mall and Greg’s wrist computer pulls a HAL 9000 when Greg dumps it in favor of asking Muriel to leave Abner and join him in the farthest reaches of the universe.

The only issue I had is with Abner. His character is never really developed and seems to just be an oblivious husband cliche, right down to his constant attention of his velvet paintings, even when Muriel stands in front of him in a snake skin nighty, holding a pair of handcuffs and a jar of marmalade. The tension of her building relationship with Greg just didn’t feel real when it seemed like Abner would notice his house exploding before he noticed his wife leaving him for an alien Don Juan. Actually, in the scene where his house did explode, he barely noticed it at all and continued brushing his paintings like a scene from a bad comedy.

All in all I give Music for Muriel four and a half imaginary stars out of five. I highly recommend it for all those people who like their romantic relationship dramas with explosions and jealous wrist computers. Since it doesn’t actually exist, you’ll have to put two television sets next to each other and watch The Lifetime network and The Syfy network at the same time, while pretending you’re watching one film.