The Genie of the Lunchbox – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

This is a tale my mother told me, after I asked her what would happen if I found a magical genie.

The Genie of the Lunchbox

On a cold winter’s day, in a quiet suburb in a nondescript town, lived a little boy named Carlos. Well, actually, he wasn’t that little and he wasn’t a boy. He was a thirty eight year old man who collected plastic lunchboxes and read comic books. But boy sounds better, so we’re going to stick with that.

Carlos collected all sorts of lunchboxes, from Micky Mouse to Rainbow Brite, but his favorite lunchboxes were the ones with superheroes printed on them. He had Superman, Batman, even Capeman, a cheap generic knockoff superhero lunchbox he bought at a swap meet.

He kept all his lunchboxes on shelves in his living room and would sit on the floor, carefully polishing each and every one of them with a silk handkerchief. One day, he brought home a new lunchbox, with a strange superhero he had never heard of called Genieman.

Genieman looked like a tan bodybuilder in fancy Arabian clothing, while sitting under a tree and reading an old copy of People. The image almost seemed to move and Carlos swore he saw the figure turn the page of the magazine. He shrugged it off and pulled out his handkerchief, then started to polish the picture, carefully rubbing away dust particles and old bits of children’s lunch.

The lunchbox started to glow and Genieman popped from the picture like a 3D movie, growing in size until he nearly reached the ceiling. He looked down at Carlos and sighed.

“Why have you summoned me? I mean really, I was just sitting down, minding my own business and I get summoned by some dork -” He took a look around. “With a lunchbox collection. I knew I should have opted for a lamp.”

Carlos stood up and gawked at the genie, grinning more than the time he found a rare Aquaman lunchbox. “I’ve never net a real genie before. This is awesome! I have so many wishes! First, I want a million dollars. No wait, unlimited money. And a girl! One who can only agree with me!”

The genie laughed. “It still surprises me that you mortals think that one of the most powerful beings in the world has nothing better to do than grant wishes.”

“But…” Carlos blinked. “Isn’t that what Genies do?”

“No,” Genieman said. “We do what we want, when we want. The only reason we allow ourselves to be summoned is to find mortals who will be good servants, to live forever as our butlers, being repaid for their service with wine, women and luxury.”

Carlos’ eyes lit up.

“Sorry,” Genieman said. “You’re… Well, you’re not genie servant material. It’s nothing personal, it’s just my standards are pretty high. Maybe you could apprentice to an imp or something. I hear they offer dental.”

With that, the genie disappeared, along with the lunchbox in Carlos’ hands. He sighed and pulled down a monster truck lunch box and started to polish it, but nothing popped out, not even a hubcap.

Moral: If you’re lucky enough to meet a genie, he’ll probably think you’re too lame to be of use.

I just love Mother’s stories. They taught me so much and fill my heart with warm fuzzy feelings whenever I think of them.

The Fairy of the Clearing – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

This tale will warm your hearts, as long as you put them on the stove while reading.

The Fairy of the Clearing

Once upon a time, a young man started out to make his way in the world. He took only that which he could carry, which was a stupid idea to begin with, but made even more stupid by the fact that he only took cans of microwavable ravioli and an old mix tape of classical tunes played by saw. He also seemed to be under the delusion that making your way in the world meant heading off into a deep dark forest and not doing something useful like applying to college or marrying a rich home pregnancy test heiress.

So, the man walked into a local forest, with his tote bag filled with useless junk and hope for a brighter future in his heart. After a few hours of wandering, he grew hungry and snacked on cold processed pasta, while staring at his cassette and wishing he’d remembered to bring a way to play it. Nothing was working out the way he had hoped. The forest didn’t have cable, he couldn’t find any treasure chests filled with his retirement fund and all the forest animals stared at him with beady little eyes, as if waiting for him to drop dead from exposure.

He had almost decided to head back to town and admit defeat, when he caught sight of a clearing just past the trees, glowing with light that spilled out into the forest floor like liquid gold. The man blinked and stepped forward, propelled by his legs, since walking on one’s hands usually didn’t get the job done properly.

The glow originated from a tall woman, clothed in gold silk and winged like a firefly. She held out a hand, palm up and beckoned him closer. The man grinned and stepped forward. He was about to offer up his best pick up line, when she spoke.

“Greetings human,” the woman said, her voice as golden as the rest of her. “I am here to grant you power and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams. All I ask in return is a small favor.”

“What favor, lady of the forest?” The man placed his hand in hers and felt a gentle warmth, like a summer’s breeze, tickle his fingers.

“I want your flesh,” the woman said, in the same golden voice. “It has been a while since I fed and I would be ever so grateful if you granted me permission to sup on your skin.”

The man let go of the woman’s hand. “Lady, I may be into a lot of things, but that’s not one of them.”

“I implore you to reconsider,” the woman said. “Skin grafts are really advanced these days. You won’t even miss it.”

The man thought for a moment and decided that he was really attached to his skin and didn’t want to give it up, no matter what the freaky gold insect winged lady promised him.

“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to say no.”

The woman sighed and grabbed a squirrel from a lone tree. She skinned it in one deft pull of her slim fingers and dropped the body to the ground. “I guess it’s damn squirrel again tonight. Thanks a lot, bozo.”

The man shook his head and walked out of the clearing, through the forest and back to civilization. He headed to the local community college to sign up for a course on computer repair, where he met a rich heiress of a home pregnancy test empire. She wanted nothing to do with him, so he settled for the course.

The Princess and the Booze – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

Here’s a bedtime story my mother used to tell me and my sister. It’s about a princess who grows bored with her life.

The Princess and the Booze

Once upon the time, there was a princess named Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, who hated her kingdom. She thought all her subjects were boring, even after she tortured them and made them live in dirt holes just outside her castle walls. She hated to admit it, but she was getting tired of being a tormenting dictator sitting all alone on a throne of skulls. She wanted more out of life, but she just didn’t know what.

She tried sewing, but she already had a closet full of cloaks made from the skin of peasants and really didn’t need more. She tried drawing, but the blood of her victims just didn’t seem as red as it used to be. She even tried skiing, but speeding down Bone Hill just made her yawn. Princess Sparkle Sweetness was bored.

“What can I do?” she asked her advisor, after she let him out of the dungeon for smiling out of turn.

“Ma’am,” he said, careful not to make any sudden movements or show any sign of emotion, “it appears that you have a case of the blahs. There’s only one surefire cure for the blahs.”

“What?” The princess grabbed his arm. “Tell me, or I’ll feed you to my pet cougar.”

“You have to practice the art of slutty party girl,” her advisor said. “You have to get drunk, go to a neighboring kingdom and strut your stuff at a seedy bar. After that, you’ll be recharged and ready to bring your kingdom to its knees.”

“Thank you,” Princess Sparkle Sweetness said. “I will put on my skimpiest dress and head to the kingdom of Blottoia.”

So, Princess Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, ruler of Eviltania and mistress of all that was dark, dressed in a short red dress, put on a pound of makeup and headed to Blottoia’s most seediest bar, The Puke Pit. She stepped in, ordered ten tequila sunrises, and danced the night away with anything that moved. After three days of booze, men and back alley meetings, the princess lured a few men home with her and chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces. Now refreshed and no longer bored, she used the pieces to stucco the outside of her castle and went back to terrorizing her people and sitting on her ever increasing throne of bone.

“Any time I feel bored, I’m going to get drunk and sleep around,” she told the skull of her advisor. “Thank you for wonderful advice.” She tossed the skull to her new advisor. “You better be as good as him, buddy.”

Moral: If you’re a sociopath princess and grow bored with your lot in life, beer and men will help you regain your bloodlust.

Tales for the Depraved Kid at Heart Videos

I’ve got the two children stories my mother wrote and I illustrated on Youtube now, narrated by the woman who controls my life. They’re wonderful and you should listen to them with little tykes in tow, as long as the tykes don’t mind decapitated bunnies and megalomaniac kittens destroying France.