Independence Day Craft – Hats for Jarred Cow Fetuses

I have a fun Independence day craft I thought I’d share. If you collect cow fetuses, you know how cute they look with little hats. Well, here’s a cute little hat you can make in minutes!

Things you’ll need

• A piece of legal size paper folded horizontally
• Assorted pens and markers
• Tape

Grab whatever pens you have around the house. I made sure I had red and blue, since this is for Independence Day.

Then, draw a picture. I used red, blue, stars and fireworks to showcase the holiday, plus a man getting his hand blown off by a firecracker as a warning to myself.

Then fold it around, tape it and stick it on your cow fetus’s jar. My cow fetuses are a little camera shy, so I took a picture of a stuffed cow I got at Big Lots for three dollars.

 

I hope you and your cow fetuses all have a wonderful Fourth of July!

How to have a cow fetus tea party

Sometimes it’s nice unwind after a tough day. And I’ve found one of the best ways is with my collection of preserved cow fetuses. I know having a tea party sounds a little girly, but it’s not. The British have high tea all the time and no one ever calls them girly.

Well, anyway, here are the instructions for a wonderful cow fetus tea party.

 

What you’ll need:

1. Cow fetuses or cow fetus equivalents. An equivalent can be another animal fetus or even a stuffed animal in a water filled jar.
2. A tea set, preferably one with a nice floral design, to honor your bovine buddies’ pastoral habitat. You can also use a child’s plastic tea set if you feel like a less formal atmosphere. Make sure to have a platter and plates as well.
3. A card table or kitchen table and enough chairs to hold you and your cow fetuses or equivalents.
4. A sheet or table cloth, preferably cow patterned. You can make your own cow pattern with a white sheet and black magic marker.
5. Tea, or coffee if you prefer. You can also use imaginary tea.
6. Cookies, crumpets and assorted pastries, plus those little finger sandwiches that look like they’re made for elves. You can also use imaginary food.

 

Instructions:

Brew tea or coffee, prepare food and set aside. Then place cloth on table, set with tea set and plates. Arrange chairs and set cow fetuses or equivalents in chairs, making sure their faces are turned towards the table. Place food on platter and set in the middle of the table, along with teapot. Serve tea and place food on plates, or pretend to if you are using imaginary items. Sit down and enjoy, while sipping from your cup and making your bovine buddies respond in squeaky cow fetus voices.

There. Now you too can enjoy the pleasures of tea and cow fetuses scintillating conversation with preserved cow fetuses.

 

 

Interactive Adventure Through My Life

Do you like those old pick your path adventures you used to read as a child? Well, I created one for everyone to enjoy. There’s no princesses, aliens, or ghosts, but there are cow fetus tea parties and naked fountain bathing.

Interactive Carventure – Where Crazy Hits the Fan

It’s fun, it’s free and it has pictures. What more could you want? Well, you could want the secret to life, but all I have is the secret to Life Cereal and I’m not sharing.

Another Cow Fetus Country Song

I just love country music. Once again, please don’t hold my Northern California soul against me. Country is like a parasite that lodged itself in my brain. Country and I are like peas and whipped cream. (If you haven’t tried peas and whipped cream together, you should come over to my mother’s house. She makes a mean batch.)

This song is shorter than my last, but it’s packed full of good old country punch:

Cow Fetus Picnic

Oh, bring out the corn, bring out the bread,
Cow fetuses can have fun, even though dead.
Let’s fling some horseshoes, let’s not have a care,
Hold your cow fetus straight up in the air!
Their skin is preserved, their jars are sturdy,
Don’t ya’ll think these bovines are purdy?
And if you don’t, we don’t give a hoot,
This picnic is for cow fetus lovers and we’ll give you the boot!

I hope you like it and I’ll be sure to bring you more country song lyrics in the future, some not even about cow fetuses. “The Cold Coffee Blues” is one of my favorites.

Cow Fetuses Need Love Too Music Video

I’ve done it! I finally put my precious country song about the lonely road of a cow fetus collector on YouTube!

I hope this will kick start my country music career. I may be from Northern California, but I’m so country, I have my own continent. So, please enjoy my video and I apologize about my voice. If you keep the volume down enough, it won’t peel the paint on your walls, but it may cause small children and animals to wail uncontrollably.

Cow Fetus Collecting

I’m an avid collector. But my favorite collection isn’t something most people see as “normal.” But I’m here to tell you about the wonderful world of

Cow fetus collecting.

They’re the perfect pets, forever preserved in their little jars, always ready to listen and never ready to judge, even if they smell of formaldehyde and look like something out of a mad scientist’s lab. If you look past all that, you can see their playful nature, or at least the playful nature they would have if they weren’t stuck in a jar. It just takes a bit of imagination.

Bessy’s my favorite. She has a brown spot on her rump and whenever I want to take my cow fetuses out on the town, she’s the first to go. I’d love to find other people who love floating bovine buddies as much as I do, but the only other people I’ve ever found with cow fetuses are scientists and they never take me serious after I tell them about the custom made hats and dresses I make for my cow fetuses’ jars. (It’s a lot easier to put clothing over the jars, rather than try to stick them inside.)

I even wrote a song about my little friends.

Cow Fetuses Need Love Too

You’re the perfect pet, confidant, friend,

we’ll be together to the end.

You never scream, you’ve never lied,

forever young in your formaldehyde

And you’ll never leave me, we’ll never part

‘cuz I preserved a piece of your heart

Oh cow fetuses need love too

They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars

Cow fetuses need love too

They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

People give my heart great pain

when they say that I’m insane

They think my cow fetus friends are just some bizarre new trend

It’s not a trend, it’s not a joke

I’m just a bovine fetus lovin’ cowpoke

Oh cow fetuses need love too

They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars

Cow fetuses need love too

They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

You bring me joy, with your shriveled skin

and your tiny bodies give me a grin

You look happy in your little hats,

so much cleaner than a bunch of cats

You sit there floating happy and free,

but nobody loves you like little old me

Oh cow fetuses need love too

They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars

Cow fetuses need love too

They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

I’ve tried to find other people who enjoy my passion, but it’s been a tough road. I started a the Cow Fetus Appreciation Society, but I only got one other member so far and they don’t actually collect cow fetuses. I guess the world’s just not ready for Bessy and her ilk.