Reverse Skydiving


My brother’s a bit of a recluse, so I haven’t really spoken about him much. He was adopted, so he has no twin like the rest of the Johnson clan. And he wishes to remain anonymous in every way, so I will not reveal his name, either here or in my book about the travails of my life.

But I will tell you about his failed attempt at making a reverse skydiving company. His idea was to create a device that could shoot one up in the air and into a waiting airplane. Since normal airplanes don’t hover in the air, my brother tried to get possession of a V-22 Osprey. He called a military surplus store, but they told him that multi-million dollar jets aren’t something they ever have in stock.

So, he borrowed a AgustaWestland AW139 helicopter from my helicopter hoarding cousin Mike. Well, actually he just sort of took it, since Mike had so many of them, he was sure he’d never notice. The plan was to hover the helicopter in the air and launch a person from a cannon, with careful calculations that would send the reverse skydiver safely into the open door of the chopper.

His girlfriend worked at a circus and was able to get him one of those cannons daredevils used and he made a dummy out of old clothing and frozen hams to fine tune the cannon until he hit the sweet spot of cannon to helicopter accuracy. Unfortunately, the very first time he shot Mr. Hamson into the air, he slammed into the helicopter’s blades and sent it spiraling downwards in a fiery ball of steel and cooked pork bits.

Luckily, the helicopter pilot (his girlfriend) managed to bail out and land nearby. The helicopter crashed into an unfinished set for the town’s annual Founder’s Day play, causing tens of dollars worth of damage. (Our town’s really cheap.) My brother paid the town 50 dollars, but he had to pay Mike 20 million for the helicopter, plus 50,000 dollars for the cleanup and removal of metal fragments and ham.

The whole thing wiped out his life savings and had him paying off Mike for years to come. This caused my brother to have a mental breakdown. He now lives in a self made cult, where he’s the only member, giving himself orders all day as he plans for the coming Carpocalypse. (He’s convinced himself I’m the Antichrist and destined to destroy the world.)