Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

I’ve created a new board game, called Drink! It’s a game about drinking, where you move a figure around a board and take a drink whenever you land on a yellow D square. When everyone makes it to the end, they all drink even more. It’s a fun game where everyone wins, because everyone gets to Drink! until they burst.

I conceived, developed and produced Drink! all while drunk. I woke up upside down in the park, with the game board on my laptop and a vague recollection of creating it while dressed only in orange flip flops and my grandfather’s old fedora. I no longer had the flip flops when I woke up.

In keeping with the spirit of booze induced creativity, the rules of Drink! are flexible. You start out with a board and a single die, plus whatever you want to use for pieces. Each person tosses the die and moves that amount, drinking when they land on a D. The rest is up to you. After a few drinks, you might want to add a rule that everyone has to shave part of their body before each move, or that you should smash your heads into the wall after every game. Or you could just decide to get drunk and use the board as a makeshift parachute.

Remember, Drink! is the game where drinking’s the game.*

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

*Note: Car is not a real person. Because of that, he can do things that would cause serious injury or police involvement to most other people. If you decide to actually use Car’s board game, there is no guarantee that it will work out in your favor.

 

Valentine’s Day Eve

Today’s Valentine’s Day Eve, the day where you remember all the horrible things romance can bring and purge the bile from your soul, to prepare yourself for the hearts and candy of Valentine’s Day.

Today is the day to remember the heart breakers, the stalkers, the blind dates and the humiliations. Today is the day to gather all that reminds you of the one that not only got away, but stomped your heart into paste and burn them in a bonfire fueled by red paper hearts. Today is the day to head to a bar and make out with as many people as you can, drowning your loneliness in a sea of booze and flesh. Today is the day to curl up in a corner and sob at your loss of freedom, while weaving red ribbons into the chains you will be forced to wear for the rest of your miserable life, while your friends drown their loneliness in a sea of booze and flesh.

So, crush a rose, smash a box of chocolates, have a one night stand with a complete stranger. Then, get a good night’s rest and wake up, ready to deal with Valentine’s Day with a brave face and lack of tears.

The Princess and the Booze – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

Here’s a bedtime story my mother used to tell me and my sister. It’s about a princess who grows bored with her life.

The Princess and the Booze

Once upon the time, there was a princess named Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, who hated her kingdom. She thought all her subjects were boring, even after she tortured them and made them live in dirt holes just outside her castle walls. She hated to admit it, but she was getting tired of being a tormenting dictator sitting all alone on a throne of skulls. She wanted more out of life, but she just didn’t know what.

She tried sewing, but she already had a closet full of cloaks made from the skin of peasants and really didn’t need more. She tried drawing, but the blood of her victims just didn’t seem as red as it used to be. She even tried skiing, but speeding down Bone Hill just made her yawn. Princess Sparkle Sweetness was bored.

“What can I do?” she asked her advisor, after she let him out of the dungeon for smiling out of turn.

“Ma’am,” he said, careful not to make any sudden movements or show any sign of emotion, “it appears that you have a case of the blahs. There’s only one surefire cure for the blahs.”

“What?” The princess grabbed his arm. “Tell me, or I’ll feed you to my pet cougar.”

“You have to practice the art of slutty party girl,” her advisor said. “You have to get drunk, go to a neighboring kingdom and strut your stuff at a seedy bar. After that, you’ll be recharged and ready to bring your kingdom to its knees.”

“Thank you,” Princess Sparkle Sweetness said. “I will put on my skimpiest dress and head to the kingdom of Blottoia.”

So, Princess Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, ruler of Eviltania and mistress of all that was dark, dressed in a short red dress, put on a pound of makeup and headed to Blottoia’s most seediest bar, The Puke Pit. She stepped in, ordered ten tequila sunrises, and danced the night away with anything that moved. After three days of booze, men and back alley meetings, the princess lured a few men home with her and chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces. Now refreshed and no longer bored, she used the pieces to stucco the outside of her castle and went back to terrorizing her people and sitting on her ever increasing throne of bone.

“Any time I feel bored, I’m going to get drunk and sleep around,” she told the skull of her advisor. “Thank you for wonderful advice.” She tossed the skull to her new advisor. “You better be as good as him, buddy.”

Moral: If you’re a sociopath princess and grow bored with your lot in life, beer and men will help you regain your bloodlust.

Halloween Acrostic Poem

I wrote a poem about what happened last year on October 31st. I think it turned out really well and gives a great example of a fun and wholesome Halloween.

Halloween

Had to get my stomach pumped from eating plastic decorations I thought were candy
Asked a woman dressed as a firefighter if she would rescue me from my pants
Left the room after said woman smacked me with a rubber axe
Let another woman play Lady Godiva with me as the horse
Opened the door and ran away when Lady Godiva tried to brand me
Went to another party that had better booze
Ended up passed out on an inflatable skeleton
Entered the events in my journal
Noshed on leftover Halloween candy that I made sure wasn’t plastic