Kitten Kittenly – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

The Adventures of Kitten Kittenly

A tale for the depraved kid at heart

Kitten Kittenly had a dream.

She wanted to take over the world.

But she was just a kitten and kittens were only good at pouncing on yarn and climbing drapes.

If Kitten saw one more ball of yarn or one more drape,
she would puke her little kitten heart out all over her kitten bed.

And she knew just where to shove the next ball of yarn a sappy human offered her.

She was tired of bows, she was tired of cuddles.

She was tired of being a precious weshush little pawn of humans.

They were the pawns, not her.

It was high time Kitten used her super intelligence and genetic cuteness for her own devices.

So, Kitten crafted a death ray out of squeaky mice and flea collars,

plus some plutonium and electronics she stole from the super villain next door.

She turned on the death ray and demanded all the world’s governments be handed over to her.

“Here are my demands,” she said,

as she burned half of france just because.

“First, I want tributes of tuna, fresh tuna, not that canned crap! And everyone will do as I say, when I say it, or suffer the consequences!”

So, Kitten forced the world to its knees and made everyone give her tuna, while she lounged around in the sun, doing nothing and gouging the eyes out of anyone who tried to pet her.

Actually, Kitten wasn’t really all that different from a regular adult house cat, except she had a death ray and would regularly burn people to death for fun.

The End

The Adventures of Bunny Bunnington – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

The Adventures of Bunny Bunnington

Bunny Bunington loved to play,

even when everyone told him to shut the hell up.

One day, Bunny found that no one wanted to be around him, so he sulked to the edge of the forest of Lonely Sulking Losers.

The forest was filled with other woodland creatures that sulked off after alienating those around them.

Bunny thought it would be perfect, since he could play with all the other irritating twats that came before him.

But there was a problem. It was the Lonely Sulking Losers forest, so no one actually ever talked with one another, not even when they saw another woodland creature with a new hat they really admired.

So Bunny left the forest and decided to murder all his former friends instead. He was still lonely, but he wasn’t a sulking loser.


Halloween tale my mother used to tell me

Mother had one special story she told every Halloween, before the family would go out trick-or-treating. Since there weren’t any large scary houses where we lived, I always wondered about the reason for the story. I guess Mother’s just strange sometimes.

Roy and the Haunted House

Once there was a child named Roy who wanted to go out trick-or-treating. He didn’t have a costume, so he cut a few holes in a sheet and went out as a kid trapped under a sheet. (Ghosts were so last year.) Roy skipped along with his plastic pumpkin, eager to go out and wheedle candy from his neighbors.

He started out at the large house at the edge of town, the one with the overgrown yard, broken windows and strange screams that seemed to come from the attic. All the other kids said it was haunted, but Roy didn’t care. Ghosts may be so last year, but they had to have really unique candy. So, Roy opened the rusty gate leading into the big scary house and ignored the ghostly voice that said, “Turn back now.” It couldn’t be talking about him. It was probably some sort of warning for the wild insurance salesmen that wandered the town at night.

He stepped through the weeds and writhing scarecrows that littered the yard and stepped up the creaking porch steps. The door stood open and Roy stepped inside, once again ignoring the voice that said, “What part of turn back now don’t you understand?”

Roy stepped inside and found nothing but cobwebs and dusty furniture. Oh, and the big scary ghost with transparent blood running down the knife clutched in his skeletal hand. Roy stepped right up to him and held out his bucket.

“Trick or treat,” he said.

The ghost peered down at the child, his milky eyes drilling into his soul. “You’re not an insurance salesman, are you?”

“No,” Roy said. “I’m just a kid in a costume.”

“Good,” the ghost said. “I’m sick and tired of those damn insurance salesmen trying to sell me life insurance. Life insurance! I’m already dead!” He shook his head. “Well, what do you want?”

“Well,” Roy said, still holding out his bucket. “I was wondering if you had any special ghost candy. Like skull lollipops or Booter Fingers.”

“Kid,” the ghost said, as he twirled the bloody knife in his hands. “What made you think a ghost would have candy? The dead don’t eat.”

“Oh,” Roy said, looking down. “Well, I’m sorry to bother you. I guess I’ll be going.”

“You probably should,” the ghost said. “I’m about to start a ghost Halloween party and we’re going to have some skeleton strippers. They may not have any flesh, but it’s still not appropriate for young eyes. Sorry you came here for nothing.”

Roy walked out of the haunted house and headed back towards the town. He spent so much time heading to the edge of town that he didn’t have time to hit up any normal houses and had to go home empty handed. The only candy he ate that night was one of his mother’s dried prune balls.

Moral: Don’t expect mortal candy from haunted houses. You’ll only be disappointed.

The Adventures of Apathy Man – A story my mother used to tell me

I thought I’d post another of Mother’s bedtime stories.

The Adventures of Apathy Man

Once there was a man named Don Giveacrap, a bored slacker who mooched off his roommates and lamented the state of his life while eating potato chips and playing video games. Poor Don had been born without Enthusiastium, an important protein that gave most people the ability to have fun.

Everything filled Don with weary boredom, from brushing his teeth to blowing up mailboxes with his unstable cousin Ted. He yawned through action movies and slept during football games and spent his last minutes of virginity listening to a book on tape about the mating habits of dung beetles. Don just didn’t… well, give a crap. He couldn’t.

He shuffled through life with a sigh, content to wallow in his boredom. In fact, he started to wallow so much that he built up a stock pile of apathy that would shoot from his fingers whenever he pointed at people. Anyone he happened to point at would immediately lose interest in what they were doing and wander off. This caught the attention of a group of superheroes, The Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon. They were on the lookout for a new hero to join their ranks after Unstable Backstabber Boy decided to become a super-villain.

They gave Don the name of Apathy Man and offered him a dull gray latex costume to match his lack of spunk. “Your power will save countless lives,” Lacrosse Lad told him. “Just think. All the super-villains in the world, brought down by sudden malaise.”

Don just shrugged and reached for his soda, accidentally pointing at the Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon and causing them to wander off and apply for jobs at the local DMV. Don yawned and went back to playing his video game, which he found incredibly boring, despite the constant explosions and beheadings.

And so ends the adventures of Apathy Man, the world’s dullest superhero.

Manny and the Manic Monkeys

Today, I’d like to share a story my mother used to tell me when I was young, called Manny and the Manic Monkeys.

Manny and the Manic Monkeys

One Tuesday, Manny set out to see his Aunt Gretchen. Now Gretchen had a sweet tooth and always appreciated it when Manny brought her some chocolate covered raisins. But on this particular day, Manny got hungry and ate all the chocolate covered raisins. Before he knew it, they were all gone.

Manny was sad. How could he face his aunt without any chocolate covered raisins? Would she understand? Or would she yell at him and call him a toaster, which was a very bad thing to be called in Manny’s family, since toasters stole bread and returned it all burned.

Manny didn’t want to find out. So, he rushed over to a grocery store and tried to buy some chocolate covered raisins. But the store clerk told Manny he needed money to buy the raisins and kicked him out when all he had to offer was a crumpled page of last week’s Reader’s Digest.

Since he didn’t have money and it was too late to go back home and get raisins, Manny decided to head over to the monkey enclosure at the zoo to ask the monkeys if they would grant him a wish. You see, Manny wasn’t all that bright.

The zoo was free to the public on Tuesdays, so Manny didn’t have to pay to get inside, which was good, because as stated before, he was broker than a bald hair tonic salesman. Unless you count his crumpled page of Reader’s Digest, but the rest of the world doesn’t, as unfair as that might seem.

Manny headed into the zoo and straight to the monkey house, where all the little simians were screaming and carrying on and throwing things that are best not mentioned at each other. He picked the monkey house lock, a clever trick his cousin Floyd taught him on one of his many visits home between prison.

The monkeys rushed over to Manny as he climbed into the enclosure. But he never got the chance to ask them if they would be willing to grant him any wishes, because he was too busy being torn apart by mentally unstable monkeys.

The moral of this story: Don’t eat all your aunt’s chocolate covered raisins or you will be eaten alive by monkeys.

Isn’t mother grand?