How to Take a Vacation in Your Bathroom

If you’re like me, you want to make your vacation time unique and memorable, but still have it retain the traditional joys that make vacations so much fun. So, I’ve developed the best way to fit your dream vacation into the most unlikely of places –

Your bathroom.

How to create a bathroom vacation:

The bathtub

A bathtub can be used as a pool, both cold and heated. With a pair of swim trunks (or swimsuit) and a pair of floaties, you can feel like you’re floating in a world class pool, as long as you keep your eyes closed and pretend the sides of the bath are other swimmers crowding around, or a harem of the opposite sex cradling you in some strange polygamous marriage ceremony.

Once drained, the tub becomes your bed, but a futuristic pod bed that will allow you to drift off to sleep with visions of being cryogenically frozen and thawed thousands of years into the future.

The sink

The sink is your water supply and the cabinets underneath make a great mini-bar, once cleaned of anything that might contaminate food products, like cleaning supplies and rat poison. You can use the basin as a makeshift bowl, freeing up precious space that is otherwise lacking in many bathrooms. Since it’s a sink, your bowl becomes self cleaning, draining the remnants of your food down the drain, where it may end up causing a clog, but probably not until after your vacation.

If you put in the plug, the sink is perfect for a miniature fountain, or bird bath, but be sure to use plastic birds to decorate it. I once brought in live pigeons and lets just say that frantic pigeons clawing at your face and a thick layer of bird-poop is enough to ruin even the nicest vacation.

The toilet

Most people wouldn’t see their toilet as a suitable vacation prop, but I am not most people. While it is invaluable in its normal capacity of collecting waste and vomit from late nights indulging in vodka from your sink mini-bar, it also makes a perfect whirlpool. Just make sure you clean it thoroughly after it’s more mundane uses.

All you have to do is stick one foot inside the toilet bowl and flush. Then close your eyes and imagine you’ve been granted access to the world’s smallest hot tub. The hot part may take a little work, but I’ve found heat packs duct taped to the inside of the bowl work wonders.

You can also pour a little shampoo inside and use the toilet to give yourself the most luxurious and unique hair wash you’ve ever experienced. It’s like a scalp massage and dipping your head in a clear mountain stream. You can also use the same technique to wash your face, but you’ll have to make sure you hold your breath.

See, your bathroom isn’t just for personal hygiene and drunken one night stands. It can be an adventure, as long as you don’t mind a small space and a little toilet water. The next time you want to go on vacation, go bathrooming. You won’t regret it.

Interview with a Toilet Brush

Okay, here’s another inanimate object interview:

Car: So, Mr. Toilet Brush, what may I call you/

Toilet Brush: TB is fine.

Car: Okay TB, what can you tell me about being a toilet brush?

Toilet Brush: It’s an amazing job! I consider myself a champion against the scourge of germs.

Car: Really?

Toilet Brush: Of course. Do you know how dirty a toilet is? It’s a festering cesspit of disease and grime!

Car: But I flush mine everyday.

Toilet Brush: That doesn’t properly banish the evil denizens of your waste, Car. Which is why I’m glad you use me in your fight against filth. I just wish you wouldn’t swing me around when you pretend to be “king of the bathroom.”

Car: But I disinfect you before I do that!

Toilet Brush: I know, but it’s highly humiliating. Here I am, a soldier on the front lines of toilet warfare, being treated like a prop.

Car: I’m sorry, TB. I won’t do it again in the future. Can you tell me a bit about the life of a toilet brush? Do your people have genders?

Toilet Brush: We were built for one thing and one thing only. Toilet brushes have no need for genders.

Car: So, you guys aren’t male or female?

Toilet Brush: I said we have no need for genders, not that we don’t have them. It’s just really hard to tell us apart. I’m male, but the way.

Car: What about family life?

Toilet Brush: We are trained from a young age by our commanding officers, the bleach and cleaning solutions that sacrifice their lives to destroy the filth. – At this moment, TB wiped a tear from the tip of his brush. – All those brave souls, weakening the enemy so we can scrub them away.

Car: I’m sure they are very brave. Can you tell me about your down time? I mean, what games do you play with other toilet brushes when you aren’t scrubbing away disease?

Toilet Brush: What kind of insulting question is that? I sit here, telling you about liquids braver than either of us will ever be and you ask me what kinds of games I play? I’m sorry, but this interview is over.

I tried to reengage the toilet brush, but he remained silent. So, I made myself feel better by playing “king of the bathroom” and swung TB around like a scepter. I know I promised not to, but it was just too much fun and “king of the bathroom” wasn’t the same without it.