Advice Column Where I Give Myself Advice

I’ve decided to start an advice column, but as I do not have any letters from people asking advice, I am going to write letters to myself and answer with the advice I think I need.

Dear Car,
Have I told you how awesome I think you are? Well, I’ve had a bit of a rough day. The other day, I managed to get drunk enough to dress in a neighbor’s shower curtain and run around town claiming to be Scrubitus, the Greek god of bathing.

As Scrubitus, I pelted random people with bars of soap, while screaming at them to bow down to my awesome might and spring fresh scent. When they refused to comply, I attacked them with a loofah on a stick.

Needless to say, quite a few people were not pleased with my antics and I have yet another court date to prepare for. Is this a sign I should cut back on the booze and stay away from shower curtains?


Dear Car,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. And to answer your question:

Absolutely not! If anything, you need to drink more! The world needs you and your antics, whether they realize it or not. And did you know that the more people seem displeased at something, the more they love it? People tend to have a hard time accepting nice things and so try and act like they don’t want them. And a pseudo Greek god sporting soap is one of the nicest things anyone can get.

So, gather all the shower curtains you can find and load up on beer, whiskey, and homemade fermented candy corn wine. The world needs Scrubitus! The world needs you!



I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at an advice column and I hope I will take my advice.

Advice I’ve Gathered Over the Years

Here’s some bits of wisdom and life lessons I’ve figured out through my daily life:

  • Never spit back at a llama.
  • Always make sure the fruit you’re eating isn’t plastic.
  • Fire is not a mouthwash.
  • The snails in your backyard do not make good escargot.
  • Paying a parking fine in pennies is a bad idea.
  • Women don’t like to be called “Sugar Crotch.”
  • No matter how hot it is outside, don’t pour a smoothie on your head.
  • Just because flavored lip gloss smells nice, doesn’t mean it makes a good snack.
  • Your mother does not want to hear about your performance issues.
  • House paint is not a substitute for Halloween makeup.
  • Playboy cannot be used to teach high school anatomy.
  • What happens when you’re drunk always seems less embarrassing than it really is.
  • Infants are not paperweights.
  • “Is this edible,” is a very useful question.
  • Portable showers are not a good idea.
  • Meat is not something you can buy on a street corner.
  • A trip to a public bathroom is not a date.
  • Always make sure to look both ways before crossing the freeway.
  • The ER is not the place to go when you have an itch you can’t reach.
  • Restaurants don’t like it if you bring your own portable oven and ask to cook the food yourself.
  • When in doubt, wear pants.