Advice Column Where I Give Myself Advice


I’ve decided to start an advice column, but as I do not have any letters from people asking advice, I am going to write letters to myself and answer with the advice I think I need.

Dear Car,
Have I told you how awesome I think you are? Well, I’ve had a bit of a rough day. The other day, I managed to get drunk enough to dress in a neighbor’s shower curtain and run around town claiming to be Scrubitus, the Greek god of bathing.

As Scrubitus, I pelted random people with bars of soap, while screaming at them to bow down to my awesome might and spring fresh scent. When they refused to comply, I attacked them with a loofah on a stick.

Needless to say, quite a few people were not pleased with my antics and I have yet another court date to prepare for. Is this a sign I should cut back on the booze and stay away from shower curtains?

Sincerely,
Car

Dear Car,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. And to answer your question:

Absolutely not! If anything, you need to drink more! The world needs you and your antics, whether they realize it or not. And did you know that the more people seem displeased at something, the more they love it? People tend to have a hard time accepting nice things and so try and act like they don’t want them. And a pseudo Greek god sporting soap is one of the nicest things anyone can get.

So, gather all the shower curtains you can find and load up on beer, whiskey, and homemade fermented candy corn wine. The world needs Scrubitus! The world needs you!

 

 

I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at an advice column and I hope I will take my advice.

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