Surreality Television – When Reality TV Just Doesn’t Cut it


Are you tired of reality television? Do you want something more? Well, take heart TV viewers of the world. Surreality Television is here! Take a look at the new fall lineup and prepare to question your conscious mind!

 

Salvador Dali Island –

A Survivor style show where contestants must work together on difficult time based trials, with the added stressor of trying to read clocks that have a tendency to melt.

 

Being Max Ernst’s Art –

A competition where seven people pretend to be one of Max Ernst’s paintings. They are voted on by their ability to hang from a gallery wall and look suitably odd and textured.

 

My Dinner with André Breton –

Follows the life of a woman preparing a special dinner of Young Cherry Trees Secured Against Hares for the ghost of the founder of the surrealist movement. The woman has yet to be determined.

 

New toy idea – Bureaucratic Action Figures


Children love to play with superheroes, but what about the heroes of government red tape? Is there anything more exciting than a person holding a form? Well yes, lots, but that doesn’t mean that my new line of bureaucratic action figures won’t be a big hit.

Bureaucratic Action Figures

DMV Darla

Darla has rolling eye action and formfu grip, as she hands you yet another paper to fill out to register your car. Feel the thrill of waiting on endless hordes of irritated drivers and the power of making them wait for “just another ten minutes.”

IRS Ian

Ian comes with a stack of forms and glazed eyes, as he reviews tax returns and dreams of sitting on a beach in Rio. If you find sorting through forms, line after line, more fun than a state fair, then Ian’s the toy for you.

Post Office Pete

Pete comes with a bag of letters and a passport. Either stick him in the Post Office Fun Set and have him prepare customers for their trips to exotic places like Canada, or have him go around to your other action figures and use his slowfu grip to eventually give them their mail. Pete’s more fun than a barrel of three toed sloths.

Census Taker Caroline

Caroline comes with a clipboard, a list, and a door to slam in her face after being mistaken for a solicitor. Your imagination will soar with Caroline, if imagining yourself out in the heat and talking to strangers is the best you can come up with.

Note:

Bureaucratic Action Figures may lead to an irresistible desire to itemize all your toys and stand in one place for hours at a time.

The Think for You Box


It’s hard trying to be right, especially to be the only person who happens to be right about something. But there’s one thing that messes up the pureness of having all the answers. It’s called thinking.

Thinking’s a messy thing that asks questions and thinks in hypotheticals and travels to truth in a winding road that has way too many pit stops. The destination takes time, effort and you won’t have the chance to be right until you actually get there, plus you’ll just end up with more icky questions.

Well, don’t fret! The Think for You Box is here to save the day. It’s filled with questions that have already been answered and mysteries that have already been solved, by people too stupid to have a Think for You Box. All you have to do is type into the box’s front and a little paper in printed out of a slot, filled with facts to impress your friends and make you correct in any discussion.

Thinks for you!

The Think for You Box is wirelessly updated whenever a subject is figured out and proven, so you never have to deal with anything other than the box. It also has the ability to print out multiple facts depending on the situation at hand. This is a problem, since you actually have to type in the details of the situation and any differences from similar situations, which comes a little too close to though, but soon the Think for You Box will have the ability to determine everything for you. Eventually, you won’t even have to type at all.

Note:

The Think for you Box will not handle views based on emotional likes or dislikes. For that, you need the Opinionater 3000, that takes your personal tastes and finds a convincing sounding reason for why they are right. If you need a machine to turn your strengths and flaws into a system of belief, the Perfector is the best bet. It will turn anything you can’t do well into a sign of idiocy and anything you can into a sign of genius, plus it will turn them both into a moral belief instead of a product of personal abilities.

 

Act now! Supplies are limited! Get you Think for You Box today!

My own personal exercise program


I bet you’re all wondering how I keep fit enough to do all the crazy things I do on a daily basis. Well, it’s all thanks to Caristhenics, an exercise program I invented.

Caristhenics:

First, you need to crouch down into a ball and roll around the room, head over head. I call this the Lonely Ball. Do fifty Lonely Balls and then straighten up and jerk your head forward and back while screaming like Tarzan. I call this the Screamy Screamy Screamy. After one hundred Screamy Screamy Screamies, ball your hand into fists and twist them under your eyes as if you were imitating someone crying. I call this the Wah Wah.

Do seventy five Wah Wahs, then spin around in place, while saying “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” I call this the Dizzy Dude. Do two hundred Dizzy Dude revolutions, then fall on your back and cool down for ten minutes.

After the cool down, flop around on the floor, as if a wave is jerking through your body. I call this the Fishy No Water. Do fifty Fishy No Waters, then stand up, grab your hair and randomly run around. I call this the Panic After Party. After fifteen minutes of Panic After Party, start walking into a wall repeatedly. I call this the Really Stupid Robot.

After one hundred Really Stupid Robots, flap you arms up and down while calling out “Caw! Caw!” I call this the Crazy Crow. After eighty Crazy Crows, stick your fingers in your ears while singing “La la la!” and running back and forth across the room. I call this the I Can’t Hear You. Do the I Can’t Hear You for twenty minutes, then go get yourself a beer. And that’s the whole of routine of Caristhenics. Do it everyday to make sure your body is fit and your mind is as sane as mine.

Dyed Doggies – The Next Stage in Pet Fashion


I know plenty of people who want their dogs to be fashion plates, to showcase their own stylish ways. But dog sweaters and designer breeds are just so yesterday. Why not take it to the next level?

Introducing Dyed Doggies!

A mock up of a dog with a polka dot dye job.

Never again will you have to live with the boring coat that nature decided to give your dog. No longer will you stare wistfully at Rover’s fur and wish it was orange or the colors of your favorite sports team.

Now, anytime someone looks at your dog, they will not see a dog, but a testament to your sophistication and individuality. Your pet will be a billboard to your mind, a way to reach out and show the world just who you are.

Dyed Doggy Salons are coming soon, so be on the look out for one in your neighborhood. You could attempt to dye your dog at home, but then it would be a trendy Dyed Doggy, just a mutt with food coloring smeared all over it.

Have any questions, concerns or ideas for dye patterns? Put them in the comments below and a Dyed Doggy representative will reply. Well, I’ll reply, since Dyed Doggy currently consists of me and a box of non-toxic hair dye.

Twist Tie Appreciation Day


There’s something important I’d like to tell you about:

Twist Tie Appreciation Day

February 18th is Twist Tie Appreciation Day, where people all over the world give this appreciation for that wonderful invention, the twist tie. Twist ties hold your bags together, hold miscellaneous wires and keep plastic action figures from falling out of their boxes.

What would the world be without twist ties? A sadder world, that’s what. Twist ties remind us to hold ourselves together and firmly grasp what’s important in our lives. They teach us how closing the bag of our hearts sometimes means we have twist ourselves around and if we aren’t careful, our sharp edges can prick unsuspecting fingers.

So, this coming Twist Tie Appreciation Day, gather all your twist ties and have a Twistfestival. Twist them into bracelets and figurines of past German singers. Use them as extremely flexible toothpicks for cheese squares. Bake a giant twist tie cake for everyone to eat after the twist tie scavenger hunt. Above all, be creative and have fun. Twist ties deserve it.

Queue World – An amusement park about waiting in line


I’ve done a lot of thinking about amusement parks. Most of the time is spent waiting in line for a ride that lasts five minutes at the very most. Time and money is spent on line management to keep things moving and stop any congestion issues. The most common fix is it so people register for the ride beforehand and bypass the line altogether. But I think the lines themselves can be used to make a park that’s not only unique, but costs millions less than the ones with fancy rides filled with state of the art technology.

My idea is Queue World, the first amusement park that’s whole theme is lines. Each line has a different theme, and as soon as you get out of one line, you’ll end up in another, until you’ve walked the entire park and come back to the start.

The first line will have the theme of buying a ticket, which will also be where you buy your actual ticket. Then you’ll walk into a line set up like the DMV, complete with park employees dressed up as bored government workers. After that, the line will turn into a line to see the latest mega concert, with a booth at the end where a young kid tells you they’re all sold out.

The next line will be a bit of sci-fi, where you’re in a post apocalyptic dictatorship waiting to reeducated. Park employees will yell at you while you shuffle forward towards a large building facade that leads to the next line, a cafeteria line where you can buy real food and drink if you so wish, to take with you as you continue forward in line.

Then, you’ll head to a traditional amusement park queue, where you walk towards a fake mock up of an awesome looking roller coaster. Since this is Queue World, you won’t actually go on, but turn towards the next part of your line adventure.

This will be a jungle trek through fake trees, where you get to act like lost tourists trying to find civilization. This will be the longest line, with animal sounds and lurking park workers playing mercenaries, who will periodically shoot at the line with water pistols to keep everyone cool. You’ll come out of the fake tree jungle to the front of the park, with the option of starting again, but this time not actually buying a ticket, or leaving the park.

I think this will revolutionize the whole amusement park enterprise. People say the best part about an event is the suspense leading up to it, so why not cut the event out entirely? And not only will it cut costs, but it will keep people active and fit.

Queue World – Waiting in line was never so much fun.

New toy idea – My First Autopsy


Kids love to learn things, especially when it’s hands on. Well, I had the idea for the perfect toy idea: My First Autopsy.

I mean, we have toys letting kids pretend to be firefighters, doctors, even cashiers. But nothing for kids who want to be a forensic pathologist. They have to cut open their stuffed toys, which just leads to time outs and trips to a shrink. And what about the children who will never realize their calling because they weren’t exposed to autopsies at a young age?

Well, I have the answer. My First Autopsy will be a mix of pretend play and educational play. Each box will come with a doll, plastic autopsy equipment such as bone shear, forceps and scalpels. It will also come with a table to place the doll on and a scale to measure its cloth organs. The doll will have Velcro flaps on its chest and a screw top head, so the child can spend hours opening it up and checking over the brain and organs for signs of disease.

For older children, My First Autopsy – Deluxe Edition will take it to the next level, with a more realistic doll with actual fluids to drain and soft gooey organs, plus more realistic equipment and an actual cause of death they have to discover.

I think My First Autopsy, regular and deluxe, will make a great edition to any household and keep thousands of stuffed animals from falling victim to curious children and stolen steak knives.