Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date


There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

  1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
  2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
  3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
  4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
  5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
  6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
  7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
  8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
  9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
  10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.
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2 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date

  1. Gee Car, now you carme up with a dating not-to-do list. There are probably thousands out there wondering where they went wrong on the dating scene because you weren’t there to guide them with your trusty list. Question: did mother accarmpany you when you and Candy were dating?

    • I’m glad you liked my list. And to answer your question, mother only accompanied us on one date and that was a double date with her and my father to a demolition derby. Well, it wasn’t actually a demolition derby. We were on our way to a movie and the street was really icy.

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