What Do Beer, Stalkers and Diamonds Have in Common? The Best Greeting Cards in the World!


I’ve decided to go into the greeting card business. So many people buy greeting cards, so this should be like grabbing handfuls of cash out of people’s hands, without the hassle of being chased down by police.

And my cards are not going to be that cheesy Hallmark crap. They’re going to be honest and so filled with emotion that they’ll drip emotion from their very ink. Not literally of course. Soggy cards aren’t much fun.

First up is a birthday card for those moments in your life when you had a tad too much to drink and may have ruined your friend or loved one’s celebration.

Front

I'm sorry I got drunk

Inside

And peed on your birthday cake.

The next one is a romantic card that shows how the illness of love is a good kind of sick.

Font

Your love infected me like anthrax

Inside

But without the fever and bloody diahrrea

The next card is for when your relationship isn’t going the way you had hoped.

Front

I could say how much I love you...

Inside

But that would be a lie. Welcome to Splitsville, population you.

The next card is written for all those stalkers out there. I figure they’re a large untapped market.

Front

Thinking of you

Inside

While I carefully rub your photo between my fingers.

This next card was written with my mother in mind. It’s one of her favorite sayings when she learns someone is expecting.

Front

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Inside

Whew. I just thought you were getting fat.

I wrote this last card while drunker than normal, but I still think it turned out okay.

Friends are like diamonds.

Inside

They're bits of compressed carbon. Wait, that's not quite right. Well, friends are like someting.

So, there you have it. Six of the most special, most emotional, most extraordinary cards that have ever been dreamed up after three bottles of beer and a Jello shot of vodka. I’m going to start selling them door to door, though not in my own neighborhood.

People got a little wary of me knocking on their door after my attempt to sell nature scented air freshener. People are more interested in the plant scents of nature and not the animals themselves. No amount of spraying in their face could convince them otherwise.

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5 thoughts on “What Do Beer, Stalkers and Diamonds Have in Common? The Best Greeting Cards in the World!

    • I plan on randomly driving and picking out places to sell my cards. I can’t guarantee that your neighborhood will be one of those places. But if you really want some cards, you can head out and try to find me as I make my way around the country.

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