Everyone likes gum, except maybe people who have a fear of chewing, but then they’d also dislike any type of non-liquid food. (They wouldn’t be too keen on stew, though. You pretty much have to chew stew.) But everyone else likes gum.
Gum is like candy that you spit out after you’ve chewed the flavor away. You can blow spit into it and make a bubble that bursts over your lips and face. Or, if you’re trying to blow a bubble with regular chewing gum, accidentally send the wad out of your mouth like a waxy projectile.
It sticks to everything like glue but is more fun to eat than paste. You can even play with a chewed piece like Silly Putty, although most people seem to find that inappropriate for some reason. Gum is absolutely perfect, a tiny stick or ball of delight that fits in your pocket.
People say you can’t improve on perfection, but I’m always willing to try, which is why I’ve developed a revolutionary new type of gum. I call it Mr. Squish.
Mr. Squish is a grape flavored gum with an edible center. Unlike similar gums, the center isn’t candy. Candy has been done to death. (And I don’t mean my fiancé Candy. She’ll never get old.) The center of each Mr. Squish gum is liver.
Yes, liver. That delicious iron rich meal served with onions. You’ve had it on a plate and now you can have it in your gum. Chewing Mr. Squish is like biting into a surprise, a good surprise like opening the mail and finding that erotic soap you ordered and not a bad surprise like opening your shower and finding a dead skunk.
Children’s eyes will well up with delight when they bite into a Mr. Squish gum ball. Adults will shout with joy when they have their first taste of livery goodness. The world will be a nicer place for having Mr. Squish in it. See, I’m not just inventing a new type of gum. I’m changing the world.