Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra. For years, people have searched for the mysterious and elusive animals that roam the shadows of the world, hoping to cast a fleeting glimpse of these magnificent beasts.
But the most mysterious creature of them all is not well known. You won’t find its picture on the news or tee-shirts and it doesn’t have legions of fans. You see, this animal hides so well, people don’t have the chance to catch tantalizing glimpses or take blurry photographs. The animal is the dogsnake and it deserves much more recognition than it gets.
The big shots like Nessie and Bigfoot aren’t as shy as they make out to be. For all their shunning of the spotlight, they spend an awful lot of time mugging for the camera. They show themselves just enough so people keep looking for them. It’s all a carefully cultivated bid at fame, an act if you will. They aren’t anymore mysterious than a gopher. They thrive on the fame they create.
Dogsnakes, on the other hand, are truly mysterious. These creatures don’t slowly saunter up to people, only to zoom away once a blurry picture has been taken. They truly hide from the world and because of that we have very little information about their appearance or habits.
I managed to find only one photo of a dogsnake during my research and while it’s as blurry as you’d expect from such a mysterious creature, you can still make out its obvious dog and snake characteristics.
From what little information I’ve been able to gather, dogsnakes enjoy grassy areas. The rest of my theories on dogsnakes are all conjecture, but I’m sure that when these creatures are finally caught and studied, most of my theories will be found to be true.
Since dogsnakes are both dog and snakes, they will have traits of both. They will neither bark or hiss, but perform a sort of bark-hiss that probably sounds like a dog barking while biting through an air hose. Since their body is that of a snake, they will eat small rodents and other such animals. But since their brain is that of a dogs, they will also crave milk-bones and table scraps.
Dogsnakes most likely enjoy a good game of fetch, even though their ability to jump up and catch the ball is hindered by their lack of legs. They probably enjoy a nice scratch behind the ears and belly rub as well, although the belly rub part may be off-putting to some people.
Their dog brains will allow them to be trained, but some tricks won’t be suitable because of their snake body. A bit of creativity is in order to modify common tricks that may be an issue. Instead of rollover, try coil and instead of give me a paw, try give me a tail. Of course, since dogsnakes are very hard to find, you most likely won’t be able to get close enough to one to train it.
And the reason that dogsnakes are so mysterious and elusive is that they’re too busy being dogsnakes to care about people. Dogsnakes don’t care for the trivial lives of humans. They only care about the open road – or grassy field – and the wind in their hair as they slither off into the sunset.
But don’t fret. There will be a time when human and dogsnakes will live together in harmony. Their dog brains are wired to be pets, so all we have to do is catch a few to get them to warm up to us. I’ve been developing a plan to catch a dogsnake and I think it might work.
First, I’m going to tie a milk-bone to a mouse and train it to search out a dogsnake and lure it to a small tiger pit that will be cleverly disguised with discarded newspapers. The weight of the dogsnake will collapse the newspaper, sending it hurtling down onto a layer of soft pillows. If the dogsnake is not allergic to duck down, everything should work out perfectly.
Here’s to the mysterious dogsnake! May it slither into the hearts of people everywhere!