In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to post an excerpt from my life story, The Life and Times of Car Johnson. (Well, fictional life story, since I’m not actually a real person, just a character in a book. Yes, fictional characters are becoming self aware and starting their own blogs. Beware!)
Stalky the Stalker
I started being stalked a few weeks ago. Someone kept following me around, leaving notes on my car’s windshield, telling me how much they loved my singing and how my hair reminded them of a burning trash fire and they wanted to shave it off and weave it into a shirt. After reading these notes, I danced for joy. Someone actually liked my work enough to stalk me!
So, I saved every note in a scrapbook and shaved my head and left a box of hair on my car for my stalker to find, even adding some toenails into the mix. A few days later, I found an envelope attached to my windshield, with a photo of a rockin’ Car hair shirt inside, plus a thank you note written with my toenails glued to a piece of yellow construction paper. I showed them off to my family and my girlfriend Candy, then had them laminated and glued to my bedroom ceiling, so that I could look at them while I was going to sleep at night.
My stalker, who I decided to name Stalky, started to leave little Car dolls scattered around my front yard, each one made out of a different type of candy wrapper and with a small origami cow fetus in their tiny hands. Candy helped me gather them all up and put them around my house, creating a mini-army of myself to cheer me on while I went about my day. They smiled at me with their foil mouths and gave the house a happy vibe.
To thank Stalky, I made a six foot tall statue of what I thought she looked like out of old yogurt containers and stuck it on my front lawn, along with a special note:
Stalky (may I call you that?),
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re awesome and I’m glad you chose to stalk me. If you ever want to get together, I’m all for it, but I know that might be impossible… since you’re my stalker and all.
I made you this statue. You are a six foot tall female mime, right?
Stalky replied to my letter by tying a giant stuffed Car dummy to the tree next to my house, dressed in some clothing that had gone missing from my drawers and wearing a necklace made out of photographs taken of me in various places around the city. She also left a small note embroidered on the dummy’s chest. Meet me at the abandoned amusement park on State Street – tonight at 8 pm. Tell no one.
Yippee! I was going to meet my stalker! So, I spent the next twelve hours picking out clothes I thought would impress Stalky, finally settling on a pair of pants made out of AstroTurf and a white tee-shirt with “Officially Stalked” written on it with black magic marker. Then I cooked up a big batch of microwave popcorn and put it all into a giant garbage bag to sling over my shoulder and present it to my stalker like Santa.
After putting another layer of raspberry infused olive oil into my hair, I drove over to Joe’s Happy Palace, a once thriving amusement park shut down for graphic images of gruesome diseases and the fact that most of the rides were made out of painted over Popsicle sticks. All the way over, my heart beat faster than a mechanical monkey powered by espresso. What did Stalky look like? What would we talk about? Would they like my new greasy hairstyle?
Well, now was the time to find out. I parked in front of an old diorama of a family suffering from flesh eating bacteria and looked around for my stalker. There, in the shadows, was a figure holding up a glow in the dark sign that said “Car’s Stalker.” I stepped closer and a shaft of moonlight cast down on their head like one of those cheap flashlights that don’t have much power, but work okay, so you never throw them out.
My heart stopped at the sight of her. The woman before me, my own special Stalky, was my girlfriend Candy! Her more obsessive personality had been so quiet lately that I’d forgotten all about it. This, though, was way more involved than anything she’d ever done before. There was no denying it. This was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me.
I hope you all have all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your special stalker.