I’ve tried my hand at photography, as it seemed simple enough. You just point and shoot, sort of like murder but without the long prison sentence. Besides, I’m not really cut out for murder. I can’t keep a secret, like the fact that my friend Rob has an extra middle toe. (Sorry, Rob. Don’t worry, no one’s going to start calling you “Toey.” Well, except me.) Plus, I’m barely able to kill time without setting up a memorial service for all those murdered minutes.
So, I figured I could grab my cellphone and take a few pictures, then watch as people start cheering my artistic genius, just like they did for my “Cow Fetuses Need Love Too,” music video. (Well, I think they did. The praise I get is a sort of silent praise, as I assume people are awed into silence by my work. The quieter things are, the more impact I know I had.)
Without further ado, (or is it a do? I’ve always wondered about that. Maybe the term references an a-line hairdo and I just haven’t realized it, especially since I have no idea what an a-line hairdo is) here are some pictures sure to make your heart contract with wonder. (If you heart contracts too much, be sure to get proper medical attention.)
I call this “Corner of the TV.” I was trying to take a picture of a really nice landscape, but I was a little too close and just ended up with a blurry piece of the corner of the screen. So, I’ll just say that this is a statement about popular media and how it blurs our perceptions. Or maybe memories and how they’re…. screen… like.
This one is my attempt at a photographic still-life. I decided to take a picture of a single orange surrounded by several fruit that are slightly off camera. I created a story for this. The middle orange got drunk at a family get together and demanded a photo, but the other fruits were embarrassed to be seen with him (or her, it’s hard to tell with fruit) and made sure their faces were hidden. Well, they made sure whatever passed for faces on produce were hidden. This was my attempt of gritty realism.
These are called Open Spring and Closed Spring. I was inspired by my post about taking a vacation in your bathroom and decided to show the beauty of sparkling water, even if it’s at the bottom of your John.
I accidentally got my finger in this shot and figured, why not name it Finger and claim it was intentional? Oh wait, I shouldn’t have said that. This was intentional, not a mistake at all. Fingers are under-appreciated.
This next one is a picture of the peephole on my front door. I really like this one, so I’m going to call it Joe and print it out as a pretend pet.
Finally, there’s one I like to call Stuffed Animal Zombie Attack. This doesn’t have any artistic merit, I just think that the idea of stuffed animals turning into zombies is kind of awesome.
That’s all for now. I know, you’ve had a taste and now want more, like the photography equivalent of a sample of cocaine. I’d advise you to indulge in my photos, since they won’t destroy your nasal passages, unless you shove them up your nose. And trust me, photos never quite look the same once they’ve been shoved into your sinuses.
I printed out a copy of the orange picture and, very luckily, read to the end of your post before I rolled up the picture and stuffed it up my nose,,,
Maybe some lesson in that, eh?
I should make a public service announcement about the dangers of stuffing photos up one’s nose. “Pictures are to be seen, not smelled.”
Cars baaack!!! I had no idea you were such a great cartographer Car. Will you be showing your works in a gallery? Would I be able to purchase one? I really like your still life of oranges. I like the stuffed Cocker Spaniels too. Are they your pets?
I’ve created a gallery in my garage and I’m not selling them at this time, though I may rent a hotdog cart and replace all the food with photos. It would be a photography cart and I’d sell people baskets of fresh photos.
As for the stuffed animals, they belong to my fiance. The only inanimate pets I have are my preserved cow fetuses.