How to win people over in five easy steps

Every wonder how to win people over and get them to do what you want, whether it’s a business proposal, an opinion, or gathering friends to hang out and get smashed? Well, I’ve compiled this handy list, so you too can be influential and get what you want!

1. Be insistent, by which I mean whine. Constantly go up to people and say things like “Come on man,” and “Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee?” It’ll wear them down after a while and they’ll be willing to do anything to get you off their back.
2. Lie. Sometimes your position isn’t quite as solid as you’d like it to be or your get rich quick scheme is a little riskier than you’d like others to know. The only way to get around this hurdle is to make things up. If someone asks you if your idea to invent heated underwear has any risks, don’t tell them about the catastrophic chemical burns. Say, “No, there’s nothing wrong and it’s ready to go.”
3. Claim other people already agree with you. This takes finesse, since you have to make it sound convincing without actually mentioning anyone by name. Use terms like “an expert” or “a really cool dude” or “my second cousin twice removed’s best friend.” The last one works especially well for convincing people of rumors and urban legends. Whatever you do, don’t mention anyone they can check up on, unless you are confident that you can pull that person over to your side before others try to contact them.
4. Look convincing. Style has a lot to do with people taking you seriously. You need to make them feel that you’re on their side. The style you choose depends on the person you’re trying to convince. For a business man, try a suit and leather briefcase. For a young college kid, try jeans and a tee-shirt from a local bar. For a group of birthday clowns, try a puffy yellow suit with green pompom buttons and a wig of rainbow hair.
5. If all else fails, bribe. Money talks and most people will do what you want if you pay them enough. There is a ratio between the amount you need to pony up and how resistant the person is to your suggestion, so make sure you have enough to pay. You can pay someone ten bucks to hang out with you for an hour, but you will have to pay much more if you want them to strip naked, smear themselves in Day Glo orange paint and bread pudding, and stand on a street corner, reciting limericks. (I don’t know why you’d want someone to do something like that, but I’m not one to judge.)

So, there’s my handy list of five steps to winning people over and getting what you want. If they don’t work out for you, just keep trying. These are foolproof, guaranteed!*

*Guarantee void on planet Earth.