I bet you’re all wondering how I keep fit enough to do all the crazy things I do on a daily basis. Well, it’s all thanks to Caristhenics, an exercise program I invented.
First, you need to crouch down into a ball and roll around the room, head over head. I call this the Lonely Ball. Do fifty Lonely Balls and then straighten up and jerk your head forward and back while screaming like Tarzan. I call this the Screamy Screamy Screamy. After one hundred Screamy Screamy Screamies, ball your hand into fists and twist them under your eyes as if you were imitating someone crying. I call this the Wah Wah.
Do seventy five Wah Wahs, then spin around in place, while saying “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” I call this the Dizzy Dude. Do two hundred Dizzy Dude revolutions, then fall on your back and cool down for ten minutes.
After the cool down, flop around on the floor, as if a wave is jerking through your body. I call this the Fishy No Water. Do fifty Fishy No Waters, then stand up, grab your hair and randomly run around. I call this the Panic After Party. After fifteen minutes of Panic After Party, start walking into a wall repeatedly. I call this the Really Stupid Robot.
After one hundred Really Stupid Robots, flap you arms up and down while calling out “Caw! Caw!” I call this the Crazy Crow. After eighty Crazy Crows, stick your fingers in your ears while singing “La la la!” and running back and forth across the room. I call this the I Can’t Hear You. Do the I Can’t Hear You for twenty minutes, then go get yourself a beer. And that’s the whole of routine of Caristhenics. Do it everyday to make sure your body is fit and your mind is as sane as mine.