Interview with a Toilet Brush


Okay, here’s another inanimate object interview:

Car: So, Mr. Toilet Brush, what may I call you/

Toilet Brush: TB is fine.

Car: Okay TB, what can you tell me about being a toilet brush?

Toilet Brush: It’s an amazing job! I consider myself a champion against the scourge of germs.

Car: Really?

Toilet Brush: Of course. Do you know how dirty a toilet is? It’s a festering cesspit of disease and grime!

Car: But I flush mine everyday.

Toilet Brush: That doesn’t properly banish the evil denizens of your waste, Car. Which is why I’m glad you use me in your fight against filth. I just wish you wouldn’t swing me around when you pretend to be “king of the bathroom.”

Car: But I disinfect you before I do that!

Toilet Brush: I know, but it’s highly humiliating. Here I am, a soldier on the front lines of toilet warfare, being treated like a prop.

Car: I’m sorry, TB. I won’t do it again in the future. Can you tell me a bit about the life of a toilet brush? Do your people have genders?

Toilet Brush: We were built for one thing and one thing only. Toilet brushes have no need for genders.

Car: So, you guys aren’t male or female?

Toilet Brush: I said we have no need for genders, not that we don’t have them. It’s just really hard to tell us apart. I’m male, but the way.

Car: What about family life?

Toilet Brush: We are trained from a young age by our commanding officers, the bleach and cleaning solutions that sacrifice their lives to destroy the filth. – At this moment, TB wiped a tear from the tip of his brush. – All those brave souls, weakening the enemy so we can scrub them away.

Car: I’m sure they are very brave. Can you tell me about your down time? I mean, what games do you play with other toilet brushes when you aren’t scrubbing away disease?

Toilet Brush: What kind of insulting question is that? I sit here, telling you about liquids braver than either of us will ever be and you ask me what kinds of games I play? I’m sorry, but this interview is over.

I tried to reengage the toilet brush, but he remained silent. So, I made myself feel better by playing “king of the bathroom” and swung TB around like a scepter. I know I promised not to, but it was just too much fun and “king of the bathroom” wasn’t the same without it.

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