The Princess and the Booze – A tale for the depraved kid at heart


Here’s a bedtime story my mother used to tell me and my sister. It’s about a princess who grows bored with her life.

The Princess and the Booze

Once upon the time, there was a princess named Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, who hated her kingdom. She thought all her subjects were boring, even after she tortured them and made them live in dirt holes just outside her castle walls. She hated to admit it, but she was getting tired of being a tormenting dictator sitting all alone on a throne of skulls. She wanted more out of life, but she just didn’t know what.

She tried sewing, but she already had a closet full of cloaks made from the skin of peasants and really didn’t need more. She tried drawing, but the blood of her victims just didn’t seem as red as it used to be. She even tried skiing, but speeding down Bone Hill just made her yawn. Princess Sparkle Sweetness was bored.

“What can I do?” she asked her advisor, after she let him out of the dungeon for smiling out of turn.

“Ma’am,” he said, careful not to make any sudden movements or show any sign of emotion, “it appears that you have a case of the blahs. There’s only one surefire cure for the blahs.”

“What?” The princess grabbed his arm. “Tell me, or I’ll feed you to my pet cougar.”

“You have to practice the art of slutty party girl,” her advisor said. “You have to get drunk, go to a neighboring kingdom and strut your stuff at a seedy bar. After that, you’ll be recharged and ready to bring your kingdom to its knees.”

“Thank you,” Princess Sparkle Sweetness said. “I will put on my skimpiest dress and head to the kingdom of Blottoia.”

So, Princess Sparkle Sweetness Golden Sunshine, ruler of Eviltania and mistress of all that was dark, dressed in a short red dress, put on a pound of makeup and headed to Blottoia’s most seediest bar, The Puke Pit. She stepped in, ordered ten tequila sunrises, and danced the night away with anything that moved. After three days of booze, men and back alley meetings, the princess lured a few men home with her and chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces. Now refreshed and no longer bored, she used the pieces to stucco the outside of her castle and went back to terrorizing her people and sitting on her ever increasing throne of bone.

“Any time I feel bored, I’m going to get drunk and sleep around,” she told the skull of her advisor. “Thank you for wonderful advice.” She tossed the skull to her new advisor. “You better be as good as him, buddy.”

Moral: If you’re a sociopath princess and grow bored with your lot in life, beer and men will help you regain your bloodlust.

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2 thoughts on “The Princess and the Booze – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

  1. Well Car. Mother’s stories certainly wouldn’t settle me down for a peaceful night’s sleep. I wonder what happened to Mother in her childhood.

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