I thought I’d post another of Mother’s bedtime stories.
The Adventures of Apathy Man
Once there was a man named Don Giveacrap, a bored slacker who mooched off his roommates and lamented the state of his life while eating potato chips and playing video games. Poor Don had been born without Enthusiastium, an important protein that gave most people the ability to have fun.
Everything filled Don with weary boredom, from brushing his teeth to blowing up mailboxes with his unstable cousin Ted. He yawned through action movies and slept during football games and spent his last minutes of virginity listening to a book on tape about the mating habits of dung beetles. Don just didn’t… well, give a crap. He couldn’t.
He shuffled through life with a sigh, content to wallow in his boredom. In fact, he started to wallow so much that he built up a stock pile of apathy that would shoot from his fingers whenever he pointed at people. Anyone he happened to point at would immediately lose interest in what they were doing and wander off. This caught the attention of a group of superheroes, The Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon. They were on the lookout for a new hero to join their ranks after Unstable Backstabber Boy decided to become a super-villain.
They gave Don the name of Apathy Man and offered him a dull gray latex costume to match his lack of spunk. “Your power will save countless lives,” Lacrosse Lad told him. “Just think. All the super-villains in the world, brought down by sudden malaise.”
Don just shrugged and reached for his soda, accidentally pointing at the Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon and causing them to wander off and apply for jobs at the local DMV. Don yawned and went back to playing his video game, which he found incredibly boring, despite the constant explosions and beheadings.
And so ends the adventures of Apathy Man, the world’s dullest superhero.