James Bond, Godzilla and Epic Candy Battles


I’ve been known to do a few creative things in my day, like turn a bunch of old beer labels into a tuxedo and grow a garden of weeds in my closet. But today I’d like to tell you about my attempts in the visual arts.

First, I’d like to tell you about the independent film I made called The Silly Adventures of James Bond and Godzilla in the Land of Mordor.

A sad story

It’s the tragic story of James Bond’s strong friendship with Godzilla that turned sour after Godzilla betrayed James to a band of Mafia Hobbits. James vowed revenge and chased his former friend all the way to Mordor, where an epic battle ensued.

Unfortunately for me, some kid stole my movie and claimed it as his own. He got what was coming to him, though. It turns out that most people saw my masterpiece as the worst movie to ever be created and the poor film student who stole it payed the price. I hear he’s working at a gas station now.

Well, just because the world wasn’t ready for my genius didn’t mean I gave up. I wrote a play, as a gift for my girlfriend on Valentines Day.

A heartwarming tale

It’s called Sweetopia and tells the heartwarming tale of the Chalkheartians, chalky candy hearts battling for freedom from their oppressors the Trufflians, sinister boxes of chocolate truffles. Through hard work, epic confections battles and the power of cheesy sayings, the Chalkheartians fought their way to independence.

No one stole my play, but I wasn’t able to keep it in production. I opted to turn it into a puppet show and it just took too much work to control the puppets week after week, plus the city became angry after I blocked pedestrian traffic with my performances.

Word of advice: Don’t perform a play in the middle of a sidewalk, especially during the middle of the day. You might get a lot of potential audience members, but most of them just want to get to work.

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