Quick recipe for moochers


Here’s a nice and easy recipe for moochers.

Quick Recipe for Moochers

 

Ingredients -

1 home of a close friend or relative

1 hug per member of household

1 kitchen

1 sad face

2 hands

 

Directions

Head over to the home of your chosen close friends or relatives. Say, “Surprise!” and “Miss me?” then precede to parcel out hugs to each person. Continue to make conversation while slowly making your way into the kitchen.

Put on sad face and let marinate for a few minutes before heading for the refrigerator. The sad face will elicit the sympathy needed to allow access to the food within. Finally, use two hands to grab some food and prepare it in whatever way you prefer.

Food selection will vary by availability and season.

 

 

Ode to severe halitosis – A poem


Bad breath doesn’t get enough love, so I decided to write a poem about it.

 

Ode to severe halitosis

Your tongue is one big boil

Like meat gone to spoil

Blacker than soil

 

Your teeth are green

With a shiny purple sheen

They’re anti-clean

 

Your breath is like wet dog

With just a hint of hog

Thicker than smog

 

Your mouth is unique

And dare I say chic?

So show off that reek!

Extreme Re-gifting


Sometimes it’s hard to buy gifts for all the occasions that happen throughout the year. All that waiting in line, trudging from one store to another, or paying exorbitant shipping costs when ordering online.

Let me introduce you to the wonderful world of re-gifting. I’m not talking about wrapping up a dusty scented candle or glass unicorn you got from your aunt. I’m talking about retrofitting anything and everything, even things that weren’t gifts to begin with. The re in this type of re-gifting is short for recycle. And anything can be recycled into a gift if you try hard enough.

Maybe you want to give someone a gift basket filled lotions and other assorted fancy toiletries. There’s no need to spend lots of money, not when you have everything you need right in your own bathroom. You know those nearly empty lotion, shampoo and body wash bottles taking up space under your sink? If you consolidate each bottle into an empty one, you now have a full lotion, shampoo and soap to add to your basket. You can also take all the old slivers of soap you have and mold them into a shape like a heart or a duck billed platypus.

Want to give a bottle of wine? Get a wine bottle and fill it with water, leftover vodka, and mouthwash. You can claim it’s a fancy new type of wine made from rare hybrid grapes. You can even make your own label on the computer and give your wine its own winery, like “Boozenbrau Farms.” This also works for beer and other assorted spirits.

You can even gift alcohol to a friend even if you don’t have any on hand. Keep in mind that this only works if your friend is a heavy drinker. Just grab an empty bottle of high quality beer, wine, or whatever your friend prefers. Then go to his or her party late and stick it in the cushion of their couch while they are partying in another room. When they come up to you later to ask why you didn’t give them anything, point to the bottle and say, “You already drank it.” They won’t remember and will assume you’re telling the truth. While this may seem deceptive, you’re actually giving the thought of alcohol consumption and it’s the thought that counts.

And let’s say you want to give a gift to a couple’s baby shower? Most new parents prefer practical gifts they can actually use. While you can wash up some old cloth diapers and wrap them up, no one really uses cloth diapers anymore. That’s where used disposable diapers come in. If you wash a disposable diaper by hand in hot water and bleach, then let it dry in the sun for several days, it’s as good as new, albeit a little lumpy and possibly stained. (White out is good at hiding most stains.)

Speaking of babies, cigars are a classic gift to give after a child is born and just a nice gift overall to cigar lovers. And cigars are expensive and just too tempting not to smoke yourself. But if you take several cigar butts and glue them together, you’ll end up with a full sized cigar. You can also dye it pink or blue if you’re planning on giving it to a new father.

 

That’s just a taste of ways you can turn old items into quick gifts. Do you have any ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments. If you’re shy about leaving comments, then write them down on a piece of paper and paste them to your computer screen.

 

 

 

The Potato Prank – A guide to tricking people into thinking you have a magical talking potato


Here’s a guide to my famous potato prank. If you follow each step, this prank is foolproof and will delight and terrify anyone you decide to trick.

The Potato Prank

  1. Get a potato. (This should be self evident, but I don’t want to leave this step out, since you might attempt this prank while potato-less, which would defeat the whole purpose of the prank.)
  2. Place the potato on a table. The table should have a long tablecloth that reaches to the floor. The tablecloth can be any color, but I personally prefer a solid color and not some gaudy flowery nonsense you only see in you grandmother’s house, mostly covered in dust.
  3. Hide under the table. Make sure there are no dogs sleeping under the table as they might wake up during the prank and start humping your leg.
  4. Wait until you hear someone enter the room. Carefully peek under the tablecloth until you see them come near the table.
  5. Start talking in a deep voice and say things like, “I am the grand potato. Feel my starchy wrath!” Or maybe “The land of Tuber will no longer stand for the consumption of its kin!” Anything that sounds both potatoy and slightly menacing will do.
  6. Continue speaking even if the prankee seems to be doubtful of the talking potato. This is just them slipping into denial from fear of a spud initiated conversation. Evidence of this denial comes out in phrases such as, “Not this again,” and “Don’t you have anything better to do?” or even “Cut it out. I wasn’t tricked the first time.” These are all just ways of quieting the terror inside. The more they protest, the more you know the trick is working.
  7. The prankee will eventually leave the room or pull up the tablecloth in a vain attempt to search for hidden potato hordes. If they leave the room, rush out and yell, “Gotcha!” If they pull up the tablecloth, smile and yell, “Gotcha!”

If done correctly, this prank will always trick people, no matter how many times they’ve had it pulled on them. It’s the prank that keeps on pranking and will always bring joy and a bit of potato based fear to those you love (and maybe those you hate as well.)

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice


Here’s a story I wrote a while back as a gift to my mother. She used to tell me inspirational stories like this all the time when I was a kid and I just wanted to give her the same joy.

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice

Dr. Kinnley prepared for open heart surgery on a young man with a congenital defect. It was a normal procedure, something he’d done hundreds of times before, even while drunk. He wasn’t drunk this time though, since someone had found his secret stash and drank every last drop. Stupid interns.

The young man he’d be working on today was one of those romantics, the kind who spoke about his heart as if it was one of those corny cards you buy at the supermarket, the red ones shaped like stylized hearts. The kid was getting married in a few weeks and kept making doe eyes at his fiance, while saying crap like, “You hold my heart in the palm of your hand” and “My heart is a gem, cut just for you.”

As they were getting ready for surgery, the man looked up at Dr. Kinnley and said, “Doc, just you wait. My love for Stacy is so strong, I just know my heart has been cured and that this is the last surgery I will ever need.”

Dr. Kinnley grumbled and shook head as the patient went under. He didn’t put much stock in miracles, or love for that matter. Especially not after his wife left him to join the circus. The world was a harsh place, filled with heartbreak and clowns seducing surgeon’s wives to the alluring world of tents and cotton candy.

He started cutting open the man’s chest, expecting more of the same; blood, bone and a pulsating mass of diseased heart muscle. Instead, Dr. Kinnley found a gem shaped in Valentine’s Day fashion, twinkling under the hospital lights.

“My god,” he said in awe. “His heart really is a gem.”

Dr. Kinnley laughed and danced around the room. It was a miracle. His heart really was a gem! Love really had transformed it. “Go love!”

Dr. Kinnley cut the man’s heart free and gently lifted the glittering gem. The other doctors and nurses nearby stared at him in shock and some even tried to rush over. He just cradled the heart to his chest and pushed them away.

“It’s a miracle,” Dr. Kinnley shouted. “The world needs to see!”

He pushed as the door leading into the hallway. “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back when I’m done.” Dr. Kinnley was pretty sure the patient would be fine without his gem heart for a few minutes. It was a miracle, after all.

Dr. Kinnley rushed into the waiting room and screamed. “Behold, the power of love!” He shoved the heart into the hands of the patient’s fiance. “Now you really can hold his heart in the palm of your hand.”

Instead of crying tears of joy over the miracle, the woman screamed and dropped it to the floor. Everyone else in the waiting room screamed as well and backed away from the the still bouncing heart. As Dr. Kinnley was tackled from behind, he thought that maybe taking that hit of acid to replace his booze wasn’t such a good idea.

Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush (A heartbreaking play about a posterior theft)


I just finished writing another play. This one focuses on the heartbreaking saga of a man who has lost his buttocks. It’s called “Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush.” It is the sort of serious and epic play that will have you on the edge of your seat and questioning if your seat is still there.

I’ve decided to make a video trailer for it and post the first segment on my blog.

Enjoy!

Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush
By Car Johnson

Characters:

Mike: A man in his mid to late thirties. He is wearing cowboy pajamas and a large black trench coat to hide his missing ass.

Maria: A woman in her mid to late twenties. She is wearing a white tee-shirt from a local bar called “Ed’s Booze Barn” and purple sweatpants.

Setting: A city sidewalk with a beauty salon called “Ugly Slayers.” There’s a lamppost in the middle of the set, with several posters displaying pictures of asses of varying sizes and the words “Missing” on top of each in bold black letters.

(The scene opens with Maria standing by the lamppost and examining one of the posers.)

(Mike enters stage left, clutching his behind (or where his behind should be.) He walks over to the lamppost and grabs Maria by the shoulders. )

Mike: My ass, my ass has gone missing!

Maria: Dear sir, please unhand me.

Mike: (*lets her go*) My buttocks has vanished! Whatever shall I do?

Maria: To lose an ass, such a dire prospect. I’ve met several men and women suffering from rump removal. I feel for you sir, I really do.

Mike: (*puts a hand to his head*) It was here last night. I felt in underneath me, warm and cushiony as I bedded down for the evening. But when I woke this morning, there was nothing there but flat padding free skin.

Maria: It is tragic, to lose one’s means of expelling excess gas and solid food waste. But alas, that is the price of living in an ass vanishing world.

Mike: I don’t want to live in an ass vanishing world. I want a world where our behinds are safe, safe from want and safe from those who would snatch them away!

Maria: (*grabs Mike’s hand*) Do not fret, assless one. I cannot stand to see someone mourn the loss of their derriere. My mother lost hers and I had to watch her wither away to nothing, repeating “My ass” over and over again while refusing food and drink. (*smiles*) I will help you, my dear sir.

Mike: Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!

Maria: It’s nothing. If I can return one person’s ass to them, mama’s death will not be in vain.

Mike: It’s people like you who make this dark and ass absconding world a little less grim.

Maria: (*nods*) Now, before we start on our ass finding journey, let’s introduce ourselves. My name is Maria Bumsearcher. What’s yours?

Mike: Mike Cheekloss. It’s a pleasure, Miss Bumsearcher.

Maria: Likewise. (*pauses*) Now, first we need to figure out who took your ass. I’ve become a student of ass absentia since my mother died and know that there are two groups of ass bandits. One group is called the Cheek Chuckers and the other the Bum Rushers. Each have their own facilities and rump storage units.

Mike: How will we figure it out?

Maria: (*smiles*) Simple. We visit Agatha, the oracle of ass.

 

The tale continues as Mike and Maria’s adventures take them into the dark underbelly of organized ass stealing and counterfeit bums. They search for what was lost and trying to bring justice to an assless world, hoping not only reunite Mike with his posterior but stop the ass thieves once and for all.

 

 

 

 

Edible Socks – Your taste buds will never be the same


Edible sockSocks can be a bit annoying. They get dingy after staying on your sweaty feet day in and day out, no matter how many times you wash them. But you can’t just toss them out after one use, because that would be wasteful. So you just keep wearing and washing them, until their elastic rots from too much bleach and you toss their sweat stained remains in the garbage.

Would you believe me if I told you there was a solution? Or would you just assume I had finally cracked under sock related pressure? Well, it doesn’t matter, because there is a solution!

Let me introduce you to edible socks. Yes, you heard that right. Edible socks.

Imagine: A sock that only collects a days worth of sweat. A one use sock that doesn’t make you feel wasteful. A sock that tastes like cherries.

Edible socks will revolutionize the clothing world. It’s my dream that everyone will know the joy of pulling off their socks at the end of a hard day and settling down to take a bite, letting the savory flavors of their feet mix with the sweet flavor of the sock.

It’s hard to describe the flavor of edible socks. It’s be like aged cheese and fruit, but the cheese is a part of yourself. You could say that edible socks are an almost spiritual experience, a consumption of your blood sweat and tears. Well, your sweat and possible blood if you step on a nail. I don’t know how anyone could manage to cry on their own feet.

I’ve developed a prototype* and just have to fine tune it to withstand hot days and rain. The end result will still get a little sticky at the end of the day, but that just makes the socks easier to chew. I’m also working on other flavors in addition to the prototype’s cherry. I’ve come up with several that would work with the inherent cheese flavor of most feet. So far I’m thinking of developing pear, peach, plum, tomato, bologna and salmon.

So, get ready world! Edible socks will blow your mind!**

*Fine tuning may take anywhere from ten to fifteen years, or more if anything explodes, crashes or sets me on fire.

**Edible socks not guaranteed to blow your mind.

 

 

 

Sunbathers Are Not Diving Boards – A pool safety list for things you might not think of


It’s summer, which means it’s time to soak in a communal water pit, while wearing clothing akin to boxer shorts, ladies underwear and leotards. Most people refer to this as hanging out at the pool.

While communal soaking in underwear and dance clothes can be fun, there are several risks involved. I feel it is my duty to warn you of several of these potential mishaps.

  1. Do not add carrots, beef and potatoes to a heated pool. While making the world’s largest pot of stew is commendable, the water is not hot enough to cook the ingredients. Besides, other people will probably not appreciate swimming with bits of meat and vegetables.
  2. Do not hide a bottle of lemonade in your bathing suit and surreptitiously open the cap underwater while saying, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” It might be hilarious, but it’s a waste of good lemonade. Use a bottle of water with food coloring instead.
  3. If you decide to dress up like Poseidon, do not bring a homemade trident crafted out of steel. Accidentally impaling other swimmers is a big no no.
  4. Do not use “Is the water warmer here or is it just me?” as a pickup line. Most people don’t find bodily fluids attractive.
  5. Sunbathers are not diving boards, even exceptionally tall ones.
  6. Do not scream “Shark!” and expect people to get out of the pool. There are no such things as pool sharks. You will just look like an idiot.
  7. If you want to play volleyball, use a ball. The toddler in the shallow end is not an appropriate substitute.
  8. Do not try to nap at the bottom of the pool. It may seem calm and quiet, but it won’t end well.
  9. Do not drop a candy bar into the water, then point at it and go, “Ewwwwww!” Candy bars are too uniform and will fool no one. Use a plastic mold instead.
  10. When your skin starts to shrivel up, do not walk around the pool screaming, “I am Prune Man!” That’s my shtick. Get your own.

Children’s Books of the Damned part 2


I’ve decided to post some new “Children’s Books of the Damned.” That’s what people always end up calling them. Or they call them “What the hell” or “You’re an evil evil man.” Despite that, I feel they are perfectly sweet little stories and children everywhere will learn wonderful life lessons from these tales.

Cloudthehappyunicorn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first book is called Cloud, the happy unicorn who was eviscerated and turned inside out. It’s a bit tragic, but I feel that a good way to introduce children to the concept of death is through a happy prancing unicorn that gets mauled by several angry ogres.

 

Babysfirstbender

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby’s First Bender is a cautionary tale about the dangers of allowing infants to imbibe in alcohol. Read this to your little cherub and they’ll think twice about crawling over to the liquor cabinet or outdoor beer cooler.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Persistent Vegetative State – A choose your path book was my attempt at creating those interactive adventures I used to read as a kid. But I didn’t really want to bother with all the complicated paths involved in such a story, so I created a plot that would have a minimal amount of actual choices.

SawMommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus is my attempt to create a murder mystery for young readers. There is a severe lack of murder mysteries for the under ten age group.

TigerMoron

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, you can’t be a tiger when you grow up… you little moron is based on a story my mother used to tell me and my sister when we were kids. It’s a sad tale of face paint and the hard realities of a four year old’s future non-tiger career choices.

 

See? My children’s books aren’t that bad. They’re enchanting tales that will give children lots of of dreams for years to come.

 

 

 

 

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)


I’ve created a new board game, called Drink! It’s a game about drinking, where you move a figure around a board and take a drink whenever you land on a yellow D square. When everyone makes it to the end, they all drink even more. It’s a fun game where everyone wins, because everyone gets to Drink! until they burst.

I conceived, developed and produced Drink! all while drunk. I woke up upside down in the park, with the game board on my laptop and a vague recollection of creating it while dressed only in orange flip flops and my grandfather’s old fedora. I no longer had the flip flops when I woke up.

In keeping with the spirit of booze induced creativity, the rules of Drink! are flexible. You start out with a board and a single die, plus whatever you want to use for pieces. Each person tosses the die and moves that amount, drinking when they land on a D. The rest is up to you. After a few drinks, you might want to add a rule that everyone has to shave part of their body before each move, or that you should smash your heads into the wall after every game. Or you could just decide to get drunk and use the board as a makeshift parachute.

Remember, Drink! is the game where drinking’s the game.*

Drink

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

*Note: Car is not a real person. Because of that, he can do things that would cause serious injury or police involvement to most other people. If you decide to actually use Car’s board game, there is no guarantee that it will work out in your favor.