Sunbathers Are Not Diving Boards – A pool safety list for things you might not think of


It’s summer, which means it’s time to soak in a communal water pit, while wearing clothing akin to boxer shorts, ladies underwear and leotards. Most people refer to this as hanging out at the pool.

While communal soaking in underwear and dance clothes can be fun, there are several risks involved. I feel it is my duty to warn you of several of these potential mishaps.

  1. Do not add carrots, beef and potatoes to a heated pool. While making the world’s largest pot of stew is commendable, the water is not hot enough to cook the ingredients. Besides, other people will probably not appreciate swimming with bits of meat and vegetables.
  2. Do not hide a bottle of lemonade in your bathing suit and surreptitiously open the cap underwater while saying, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” It might be hilarious, but it’s a waste of good lemonade. Use a bottle of water with food coloring instead.
  3. If you decide to dress up like Poseidon, do not bring a homemade trident crafted out of steel. Accidentally impaling other swimmers is a big no no.
  4. Do not use “Is the water warmer here or is it just me?” as a pickup line. Most people don’t find bodily fluids attractive.
  5. Sunbathers are not diving boards, even exceptionally tall ones.
  6. Do not scream “Shark!” and expect people to get out of the pool. There are no such things as pool sharks. You will just look like an idiot.
  7. If you want to play volleyball, use a ball. The toddler in the shallow end is not an appropriate substitute.
  8. Do not try to nap at the bottom of the pool. It may seem calm and quiet, but it won’t end well.
  9. Do not drop a candy bar into the water, then point at it and go, “Ewwwwww!” Candy bars are too uniform and will fool no one. Use a plastic mold instead.
  10. When your skin starts to shrivel up, do not walk around the pool screaming, “I am Prune Man!” That’s my shtick. Get your own.

Children’s Books of the Damned part 2


I’ve decided to post some new “Children’s Books of the Damned.” That’s what people always end up calling them. Or they call them “What the hell” or “You’re an evil evil man.” Despite that, I feel they are perfectly sweet little stories and children everywhere will learn wonderful life lessons from these tales.

Cloudthehappyunicorn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first book is called Cloud, the happy unicorn who was eviscerated and turned inside out. It’s a bit tragic, but I feel that a good way to introduce children to the concept of death is through a happy prancing unicorn that gets mauled by several angry ogres.

 

Babysfirstbender

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby’s First Bender is a cautionary tale about the dangers of allowing infants to imbibe in alcohol. Read this to your little cherub and they’ll think twice about crawling over to the liquor cabinet or outdoor beer cooler.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Persistent Vegetative State – A choose your path book was my attempt at creating those interactive adventures I used to read as a kid. But I didn’t really want to bother with all the complicated paths involved in such a story, so I created a plot that would have a minimal amount of actual choices.

SawMommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus is my attempt to create a murder mystery for young readers. There is a severe lack of murder mysteries for the under ten age group.

TigerMoron

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, you can’t be a tiger when you grow up… you little moron is based on a story my mother used to tell me and my sister when we were kids. It’s a sad tale of face paint and the hard realities of a four year old’s future non-tiger career choices.

 

See? My children’s books aren’t that bad. They’re enchanting tales that will give children lots of of dreams for years to come.

 

 

 

 

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)


I’ve created a new board game, called Drink! It’s a game about drinking, where you move a figure around a board and take a drink whenever you land on a yellow D square. When everyone makes it to the end, they all drink even more. It’s a fun game where everyone wins, because everyone gets to Drink! until they burst.

I conceived, developed and produced Drink! all while drunk. I woke up upside down in the park, with the game board on my laptop and a vague recollection of creating it while dressed only in orange flip flops and my grandfather’s old fedora. I no longer had the flip flops when I woke up.

In keeping with the spirit of booze induced creativity, the rules of Drink! are flexible. You start out with a board and a single die, plus whatever you want to use for pieces. Each person tosses the die and moves that amount, drinking when they land on a D. The rest is up to you. After a few drinks, you might want to add a rule that everyone has to shave part of their body before each move, or that you should smash your heads into the wall after every game. Or you could just decide to get drunk and use the board as a makeshift parachute.

Remember, Drink! is the game where drinking’s the game.*

Drink

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

*Note: Car is not a real person. Because of that, he can do things that would cause serious injury or police involvement to most other people. If you decide to actually use Car’s board game, there is no guarantee that it will work out in your favor.

 

How Car are you? Take this quiz to find out!


I’ve developed a quiz to let you know just how much of Car Johnson is in you. This will let you find out how much of me you are and if you need to up your Car level. I did this as a service, so that everyone can find out if they have enough me in them, or if they are sorely lacking in their Car quotient. So, you think you have enough of my unique brand of cow fetus loving craziness? Find out!

How Car are you? http://www.allthetests.com/quiz31/quiz/1403222963/How-Car-are-you

 

Grin and Bare It All – A poem about freeing yourself from clothing


Here’s a free verse poem I’ve been working on. It’s a deep treatise about freedom and stripping yourself of society’s expectations. This is actually based on an event in my younger years, when my ideas were still fresh and free. I’ve changed my opinion on clothing in more recent years, but there’s still a place in my heart that still wants to bare my whole self to the world.

 

Grin and Bare It All

That’s a lovely tie you have there

Was it expensive?

Or did you get it on sale?

Ties are like a noose around my neck

I could never wear one

Day in Day out

Like a leash leading me to

my cell

Where I would toil in a desert

of cubicles

My only release the oasis

of a water cooler

I prefer an open neck

Free of expectations

and tie sweat

My bare neck is a billboard

to the world that says:

Not for sale!

Other garments are the same

Cloth promises

to a heartless world

I like to strip them all off

and run around town

baring my freedom

to all I pass by

People don’t like seeing

my freedom

It scares them

And they hide their eyes

I yell at them to remove

their woven shackles

But they’d rather stay wrapped

In society

And my freedom gets quite chilly

when I do this in winter

Frostbite is a small price

to pay

But that won’t stop me

in my jiggly dance of liberty

So please Mr. Judge

I’m not a streaker

I just want to teach the world

to screw the world and its reliance on clothes

So see, you should give me a medal

and release me

Please Mr. judge

please?*

 

*Note: The judge did not listen to my plea and fined me $400 dollars and ordered me to see a therapist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Unique Vacation Ideas


Have you ever wanted a special vacation, something where you wouldn’t have to fight crowds just to see or do something that everyone and their mother had already seen? Well, I’ve decided to make a list of five unique vacation ideas. With these, you can stand tall with the knowledge that your vacation truly was special.

 

Join a cult:

For this to work, you need to join a cult that requires its members to live in an isolated house or commune. Consider this as your bed and breakfast. What’s a better vacation from the world than completely isolating yourself from it? Plus, you’ll get to wear a robe and practice your chanting. Just make sure to leave the cult before they offer you any kool-ade.

 

Visit a garbage dump:

Garbage dumps get a bad rap. You can find all sorts of fun things and the flocks of seagulls makes it feel like a beach. Bring a sleeping bag and carve out a trash den, then spend your time looking around for hidden treasure and mafia body dumps. The authorities might not approve of your vacation lodgings, but since you put all that effort into creating the garbage, you should be able to reap the rewards!

 

Visit someone else’s family:

Lots of people can claim that they visit their family over the holidays, but not many can claim they visit someone else’s family. The trick is convincing the family that you are a distant relative. Travel to a city, find a random home and announce that you’re cousin Joe’s second cousin. Every family has a cousin Joe. Then you can take part in all the family bonding with none of the drama of your own screwed up family. There might be a risk of them realizing you aren’t actually related, but that just adds to the adventure.

 

Get injured:

Most people would never even think of purposely injuring themselves to spend their vacation in the hospital, but you’re not most people. Hospitals are like hotels, just with poorer quality food. You can meet interesting people and have plenty of time to just lie back and contemplate the world. If you plan your injury carefully, your medical bill will come out to the same as a nice hotel room and airfare. Just make sure not to do anything that will cause permanent damage. That’s one vacation souvenir you don’t want.

 

Get abducted by aliens:

A UFO is the perfect unique vacation. Most abductees don’t see their experience as a vacation, but there’s nothing more exciting than soaring through outer space, surrounded by unimaginable technology. Sure, you’ll get an anal probe or two, but that’s a small price to be able to see Saturn up close and chat about Star Trek with people who live it every day. You’ll have to convince them not to wipe your memory afterward, or it won’t be much of a vacation. All you have to do is promise to promote alien abduction on your blog.

Carlightenment – Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda


This post is dedicated to my self-help course, Carlightenment. I have also created a website for the course, called Carlightenment. (I could have called it something cool like Peanut Butter or Monkey Sweat, but I didn’t want to confuse people.)

Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda
*Why Panda? Because they’re cool. it also works as a metaphor for eating your way through the bamboo of life.

Dudes and girl dudes, young and not as young, you’re about to hear something that will change your life! I’m not talking about a magical genie like the one my cousin Joe claimed to find. I’m talking about Carlightenment, the self-help course, created by me, Car Johnson, for you, the good people of the world. Do you feel that the gum of life has been chewed and all that’s left is a wad stuck to the bottom of your shoe?

Well, that’s life for you. But with my course, you’ll learn to pick up that gum and continue chewing, while adding new flavor that’s way better than peppermint or cherry. The flavor of life can be anything. Why use cherry when you can use oyster?

That’s the goal of Carlightenment – to bring out the oyster in all of you. To not only dance to the beat of your own drummer, but your own one man band! How many of you have laughed in the face of death, while offering him a coupon for your scythe sharpening service? I have, even though it was a costume party and Death was really my mother. The point still stands. Laugh at death, giggle at expectations, lightly chuckle at the status quo!
How would you like more spontaneity in your life? Do you wish you could free your creative soul? How about just a bit more panda?

With my course, Carlightenment – Three Steps to a Better You Through Me, you’ll free yourself to the life you’ve always dreamed of. And I don’t mean the life you day dream about. I’m talking about real dreams, the kind you have after eating too many fried jalapenos.

You’ll learn how to leave your safe world behind and take risks, like wearing a shag carpet shirt when everyone else is strangled by cotton blends. Remember that fear that stopped you from insulting an angry bull, or starting a business for cat toupees? My course will let the part of your brain that yells “Go for it!” smother the part that yells “Stop!” in its sleep.

Five Essential Apps For An Alien Invasion


I previously posted about how alien dog people are among us, lying in wait until they can take over the Earth. I tried to start a resistance cell, with the awesome name of the Jets, but there was only ever one meeting and everyone mostly just drank beer and played air hockey. I tried to organize further meetings, but ended up being unsuccessful.

Well, even though the resistance cell fell through, that doesn’t mean I can’t do my part in protecting the world from alien oppression. So, I’ll use today’s blog post to list several useful apps I discovered that everyone will need when the dog aliens finally decide to make their bite worse than their bark.

 

Dog whistle

Android http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.appixel.anti.dog.whistle

Apple http://itunes.apple.com/US/app/id301108209?mt=8

While alien dog people look like normal humans, their inner workings are canine based. So, anything that would repel dogs should repel them as well. There are many dog whistle apps out there, but I chose these because the logos best match the alien resistance movement they will end up representing. One logo has the words “anti-dog” written underneath and the other has a red circle and slash over a barking dog. Trust me, when the world is under attack by aliens, those pictures will be a much needed boost of morale.

 

Police Scanner

Android http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.scannerradio

Apple http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/scanner-radio-deluxe/id498405045?mt=8

When the alien brain sludge hits the fan, you’ll want to be the first to know. That’s where a police scanner is essential. If you start hearing things like, “There’s strange glowing orb following our patrol car,” or “Holy hell, aliens just turned Adams into a milk bone!” then you’ll know it’s time to start arming yourself with your stockpile of weapons and anti alien spray. (I’m still working on the correct ingredients.)

 

Shooting game

Android http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.icloudzone.DeathShooter

Apple http://itunes.apple.com/US/app/id533079551?mt=8

The best time to learn how to shoot down alien scum is before said alien scum is crawling all over your hometown. A good shooting game is a good addition to your homemade shooting range, plus you can practice while waiting at the doctor’s office without getting arrested. These apps have the added advantage of using zombies, since it’s a given that the dog aliens will use their superior technology to turn your friends and neighbors into shambling undead freaks.

 

Dog Translator

Android http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.radioactiveyak.animaltranslator

Apple https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/apputron-dog-translator/id409820516?mt=8

What happens if you come across a secret meeting, but all the aliens are talking in their native tongue? Or maybe you end up cornered by an alien dog patrol unit and you find out they speak only canine, so your cries of “Dog aliens rock!” go unheeded? With these apps, you can understand every last word of their secret plans to use mind controlled chihuahuas or you can convince the patrol you really are a harmless civilian and your  laser sighted assault rifle is just for hunting cats.

As for the question of whether alien dog people’s language is the same as regular dogs, I strongly feel that it is. It only makes sense that regular dogs are their genetically engineered fighting force originally sent to Earth to help take over. But alien dog people don’t seem to have a firm grasp of genetic engineering and their fighting force imprinted on regular humans instead of them. But the language should still be the same, since it’s deep inside every dog’s genetic coding, along with a strong desire to chew on themselves and pee on tree trunks.

 

X-Ray Scanner

Android http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.bipfun.rayonx

Apple http://itunes.apple.com/ml/app/the-x-ray-scanner/id481010992?mt=8

Since alien dog people look like regular humans, there’s no way to tell if you’re looking at an attacking alien, or a fellow human. Well, the giant silver ray guns and neon glowing body armor will help a bit, but only after they openly start to attack. And there’s always a chance that fellow rebel you’ve taken into your home is really an alien in disguise.

You need a way to scan people. A heartbeat monitor won’t help, since unlike Time Lords, alien dog people only have one heart. But logic dictates that their bones will look differently than ours. So, if you scan someone and find an extra-long tailbone or rawhide shaped implants, it’s a good bet they’re actually alien dog people.

 

 

Now you have all the apps you need for when the world is overrun with aliens and their zombie minions. But please be aware, when the aliens are chasing you and your fellow rebels, using these apps or your cellphone is not recommended. In a life or death situation, when your feet and brain have to focus on survival, it’s crucial to remember one thing: Don’t text and run.

 

 

Spasticasia – When you dance like a drunken koala


I’ve decided to write a poem for anyone else suffering from the condition known as Spasticasia. Well, it’s known to me as that. Most people know it as having two left feet, or dancing like a drunken koala.

 

Dancing Fool

Can’t find the rhythm

Can’t find the beat

Can’t even find

My own two feet

 

Flailing my arms

Like they’re on fire

Twisting my waist

Like it’s stuck in a tire

 

Bump and grind

Becomes bump and trip

If I’m not careful

I’ll just up and slip

 

No I’m not dying

It’s just how I flow

Don’t dial 911

Just get on with the show

 

Misjudged a kick

Hit someone’s shin

That’s my signal

The night’s come to an end

 

All in all

I had a good time

You say my dancing’s bad

I say it’s sublime!

 

I’m sure this poem will speak to the hearts of all those with a bad case of Spasticasia, whether chronic or applied. (Applied Spasticasia is also known as bad dancing brought on by massive alcohol consumption. I happen to have both conditions.) Whenever you flail your limbs at a nightclub or a school dance, remember that you are the dancing equivalent of a stick figure. And stick figures are awesome! Embrace your lack of rhythm, for you are free… free from the bonds of tempo and pace. You no longer even dance to beat of your own drummer, as you killed that drummer and replaced it with a drunken otter smashing a rock on its head.

Dance on, all you flailers and trippers. Dance like there’s no tomorrow! (Seriously, if you pretend the world’s about to end, the panic greatly increases your Spasticasic movements.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Mysterious Dogsnake


Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra. For years, people have searched for the mysterious and elusive animals that roam the shadows of the world, hoping to cast a fleeting glimpse of these magnificent beasts.

But the most mysterious creature of them all is not well known. You won’t find its picture on the news or tee-shirts and it doesn’t have legions of fans. You see, this animal hides so well, people don’t have the chance to catch tantalizing glimpses or take blurry photographs. The animal is the dogsnake and it deserves much more recognition than it gets.

The big shots like Nessie and Bigfoot aren’t as shy as they make out to be. For all their shunning of the spotlight, they spend an awful lot of time mugging for the camera. They show themselves just enough so people keep looking for them. It’s all a carefully cultivated bid at fame, an act if you will. They aren’t anymore mysterious than a gopher. They thrive on the fame they create.

Dogsnakes, on the other hand, are truly mysterious. These creatures don’t slowly saunter up to people, only to zoom away once a blurry picture has been taken. They truly hide from the world and because of that we have very little information about their appearance or habits.

I managed to find only one photo of a dogsnake during my research and while it’s as blurry as you’d expect from such a mysterious creature, you can still make out its obvious dog and snake characteristics.

From what little information I’ve been able to gather, dogsnakes enjoy grassy areas. The rest of my theories on dogsnakes are all conjecture, but I’m sure that when these creatures are finally caught and studied, most of my theories will be found to be true.

Since dogsnakes are both dog and snakes, they will have traits of both. They will neither bark or hiss, but perform a sort of bark-hiss that probably sounds like a dog barking while biting through an air hose. Since their body is that of a snake, they will eat small rodents and other such animals. But since their brain is that of a dogs, they will also crave milk-bones and table scraps.

Dogsnakes most likely enjoy a good game of fetch, even though their ability to jump up and catch the ball is hindered by their lack of legs. They probably enjoy a nice scratch behind the ears and belly rub as well, although the belly rub part may be off-putting to some people.

Their dog brains will allow them to be trained, but some tricks won’t be suitable because of their snake body. A bit of creativity is in order to modify common tricks that may be an issue. Instead of rollover, try coil and instead of give me a paw, try give me a tail. Of course, since dogsnakes are very hard to find, you most likely won’t be able to get close enough to one to train it.

And the reason that dogsnakes are so mysterious and elusive is that they’re too busy being dogsnakes to care about people. Dogsnakes don’t care for the trivial lives of humans. They only care about the open road – or grassy field – and the wind in their hair as they slither off into the sunset.

But don’t fret. There will be a time when human and dogsnakes will live together in harmony. Their dog brains are wired to be pets, so all we have to do is catch a few to get them to warm up to us. I’ve been developing a plan to catch a dogsnake and I think it might work.

First, I’m going to tie a milk-bone to a mouse and train it to search out a dogsnake and lure it to a small tiger pit that will be cleverly disguised with discarded newspapers. The weight of the dogsnake will collapse the newspaper, sending it hurtling down onto a layer of soft pillows. If the dogsnake is not allergic to duck down, everything should work out perfectly.

Here’s to the mysterious dogsnake! May it slither into the hearts of people everywhere!